Dear Blog,
As your owner, I am afraid that I have really let you down. I've neglected you, left you in the corner to collect dust while I sat in grumpy silence on my little weight loss plateau. I am sorry.
The truth is, I wasn't exactly hiding from you but I was just a bit pissed at the lack of progress on our little journey together. Totally me, it wasn't you at all. I don't want to quit you Blog. I really don't.
I actually do better when I faithfully write to you each and every day, it keeps me honest and it's a great way to chronicle our progress, or lack there of.
But today, I have a surprise for you!! I lost 4.5 pounds over the weekend!! It seems that Larry's surgery has helped me, along with helping him. It feels like we're in this thing together and in support of his first week after surgery (you remember that dark time when we had to endure clear liquids for two weeks?) I am eating less and eating better. And low and behold! it works when you work it. I broke my plateau and couldn't wait to share it with you, my faithful blog.
I promise not to neglect you for that "other" blog ever again. I shall write you at least every other day, if not every day. The good the bad the ugly and the great.
So, cold hard facts: Down 61 pounds from my top weight last November!! I've moved out of another set of 10s (the 50s) and into the 40s. Drinking more water, and substituting my usual 1/2 a slice of bread w/ peanut butter at bed time for 3 scrambled egg whites. Which I've found that I absolutely LOVE! I scramble them up and top them off with a pinch of sea salt and ground italian herbs. DELISH!! And so super healthy. And you and I both know, all the bad stuff in the eggs is in the yellow part which promptly goes down the garbage disposal. I also asked the waiter at California Pizza Kitchen to please put 1/2 of my miso salad in a to go box and then couldn't even finish my 1/2 of a 1/2. SCORE!!
Aren't you proud? Do you accept my apology? Oh and here's a bit more good news! To celebrate my recent success AND to assuage my frustration over my bad experience this morning at the vital statistics office (see: down computers and fifty gazillion people in line ahead of me) I took myself shopping and had to make two trips to the dressing room after size 20 pants were hanging on me. I "could" have squeezed into 16's but chose just 2 pair of size 18 shorts just to get me through 10 more pounds down to the 16s. How's that for make up blogging?
I'm teetering on moving into size 16 tops but not just yet. Soon my friend though, soon. And then? We'll have to say goodbye to our old friends at the Fat Lady Store. Once I'm out of 14's there will be nothing else in the store that fits. On to reality shopping.
I'm glad we could come to terms with my neglectful blogging and I won't let it happen again.
Love,
Your Author.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Wednesday May 7th, 2008
Current weight: 253. Down from 257 on Monday. I have NO idea how that happened. Except maybe getting my period had something to do with it but that happened last night. It seems like I lose weight in chunks. As in, I'll go a week with no loss and then suddenly, the scale will reflect a 3-4 pound loss!!
However it happens, I'm completely grateful for the success and don't want it to ever stop. Aside from constantly having to change out clothes because the 22 pants that I bought three weeks ago are now too big and the 18's I just bought recently will be too big in a week or two, I am loving every moment of this process.
The band really works. I saw proof of it last night. I had 4 slices of cheese and 3 slices of deli chicken for dinner. I decided later on that night to have some mini rice cakes and pretzels. After 2 rice cakes my stomach started hurting and I couldn't eat another bite. Finally, the band is working for me and I don't have to rely completely on my own will power.
Larry thinks my top weight was more like 308 not 302 so "technically" I am down 55 pounds as of today.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Fill Number Two
On May 5th, I had my second fill. According to my doctor's records, I've lost 10 pounds since my last visit. He was very pleased with my progress and congratulated me for doing something that 97% of all overweight people in the world can't do: Get The Weight Off.
This fill I can really feel. Even when I sip water it takes a good 10 second for the water to filter down through the band. I'm chewing even more carefully and eating very little. High protein and the usual, no carbs.
My expectations are that with every fill I should be able to feel full faster with less food and feel full longer. Resulting in more weight loss.
I suspect that I will need to lose at least another 60 pounds before I will feel satisfied with my weight but I wouldn't mind losing another 100.
I took my 14 year old son to see Eric Clapton over the weekend. At the ford amphitheater the seats were very narrow. And the walk was long from the parking lot. If this concert had been scheduled before March 4th, 2008, there would have been no way I could have walked from the parking lot much less fit into the seat with another person on either side of me. Last year, I would have required buying 2 tickets to be sure no one elses personal space was crowded by all of me spilling over my seat.
A recent reader asked me for some feedback on my decision to have the surgery. S2 this is for you: I have no doubt in my mind that this surgery was thee best thing I have ever done. I have absolutely no regrets and am certain that I would never have been able to get the weight off on my own. I needed this. And only with my band will I live longer, live happier and live life to the fullest. I would encourage, STRONGLY encourage anyone who's even thinking about it to do it. My husband is having it on May 20th. I can't wait until he feels the freedom from obesessive and compulsive eating. It's a great feeling.
This fill I can really feel. Even when I sip water it takes a good 10 second for the water to filter down through the band. I'm chewing even more carefully and eating very little. High protein and the usual, no carbs.
My expectations are that with every fill I should be able to feel full faster with less food and feel full longer. Resulting in more weight loss.
I suspect that I will need to lose at least another 60 pounds before I will feel satisfied with my weight but I wouldn't mind losing another 100.
I took my 14 year old son to see Eric Clapton over the weekend. At the ford amphitheater the seats were very narrow. And the walk was long from the parking lot. If this concert had been scheduled before March 4th, 2008, there would have been no way I could have walked from the parking lot much less fit into the seat with another person on either side of me. Last year, I would have required buying 2 tickets to be sure no one elses personal space was crowded by all of me spilling over my seat.
A recent reader asked me for some feedback on my decision to have the surgery. S2 this is for you: I have no doubt in my mind that this surgery was thee best thing I have ever done. I have absolutely no regrets and am certain that I would never have been able to get the weight off on my own. I needed this. And only with my band will I live longer, live happier and live life to the fullest. I would encourage, STRONGLY encourage anyone who's even thinking about it to do it. My husband is having it on May 20th. I can't wait until he feels the freedom from obesessive and compulsive eating. It's a great feeling.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Just More Of The Same
Nothing new in the weight loss world, just more of the same. Two more pounds lost, eating protein, drinking water blah blah blah....
With the exception of learning the difference between head hunger and real hunger. My head, apparently unconnected with my stomach whispers seductive suggestions of things to eat ALL.THE.TIME. But my stomach, if it could voice an opinion, would say 'but I'm not feeling empty so no food is necessary at this time, thank you'. My brain, being the big bully tries to force food on the poor unsuspecting stomach who's trying to get used to it's new accessory, the band. It's a constant struggle. A tootsie pop would be so good right about now, but the stomach and for that matter, the rest of my body doesn't need anything contained in the tootsie pop including the 60 empty calories of pure refined sugar. Ok, how about a peanut butter sandwich? A better choice but I'm supposed to be doing low to NO carbs. Last time I checked, and my brain should know this, bread wasn't a protein. It'd be nice if it was though, wouldn't it? Peanut butter is ok. Cottage cheese would be a good choice but those don't hold quite the allure of the sugar and starch now do they? No.
So, while my stomach and brain duke it out, I try to remind myself to stay focused and be strong. The outcome will be spectacular and worth it.
Next fill is in 3 days!
With the exception of learning the difference between head hunger and real hunger. My head, apparently unconnected with my stomach whispers seductive suggestions of things to eat ALL.THE.TIME. But my stomach, if it could voice an opinion, would say 'but I'm not feeling empty so no food is necessary at this time, thank you'. My brain, being the big bully tries to force food on the poor unsuspecting stomach who's trying to get used to it's new accessory, the band. It's a constant struggle. A tootsie pop would be so good right about now, but the stomach and for that matter, the rest of my body doesn't need anything contained in the tootsie pop including the 60 empty calories of pure refined sugar. Ok, how about a peanut butter sandwich? A better choice but I'm supposed to be doing low to NO carbs. Last time I checked, and my brain should know this, bread wasn't a protein. It'd be nice if it was though, wouldn't it? Peanut butter is ok. Cottage cheese would be a good choice but those don't hold quite the allure of the sugar and starch now do they? No.
So, while my stomach and brain duke it out, I try to remind myself to stay focused and be strong. The outcome will be spectacular and worth it.
Next fill is in 3 days!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Let Me Introduce Myself
Hi, I'm Pam, I weigh 258 pounds and I'm a size 18/20. I no longer weigh a staggering 302 pounds and I am no longer the largest size they carry at the Fat Lady's clothing store.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around these facts about me. I'm still 302 pounds in my head. I wonder if I always will be. I've heard other people who've lost weight say that they always feel fat not matter how much weight they lose. I guess after carrying around all this weight for all these years, I will have to remind myself that I am no longer that person.
I finally got to move the big weight on the scale!! I know, it's about time. But it felt good. It also felt good to try on a top that I bought a few weeks ago that was too small and have it fit. Size 18/20. I'm 18 pound away from being the weight I was when I met my husband 8 years ago. I was pretty happy at that weight but I know that it's not where I'm going to stop my weight loss journey. Once and for all, I want to be a "normal" weight. Not a thick chick weight or a slightly BBW weight, just an average weight. Not too big and not too small, just right. I would imagine that weight to be around 175 or 170 but I will only know when I get there.
For now, I am trying to wrap my mind around, to accept the fact that I am a healthy distance from 300 pounds and that the scale IS moving in the right direction every week. My second fill is coming up which will produce even more results. It's like, wow! this is really REALLY happening. In a blink of an eye it seems that I've lost a toddler!! 44 pounds. 44 pounds I'm not sorry to see go.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around these facts about me. I'm still 302 pounds in my head. I wonder if I always will be. I've heard other people who've lost weight say that they always feel fat not matter how much weight they lose. I guess after carrying around all this weight for all these years, I will have to remind myself that I am no longer that person.
I finally got to move the big weight on the scale!! I know, it's about time. But it felt good. It also felt good to try on a top that I bought a few weeks ago that was too small and have it fit. Size 18/20. I'm 18 pound away from being the weight I was when I met my husband 8 years ago. I was pretty happy at that weight but I know that it's not where I'm going to stop my weight loss journey. Once and for all, I want to be a "normal" weight. Not a thick chick weight or a slightly BBW weight, just an average weight. Not too big and not too small, just right. I would imagine that weight to be around 175 or 170 but I will only know when I get there.
For now, I am trying to wrap my mind around, to accept the fact that I am a healthy distance from 300 pounds and that the scale IS moving in the right direction every week. My second fill is coming up which will produce even more results. It's like, wow! this is really REALLY happening. In a blink of an eye it seems that I've lost a toddler!! 44 pounds. 44 pounds I'm not sorry to see go.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The Weighting Game
I'm still stuck at 1/2 a pound over getting into the next set of 10's. I've been out of my water pills for 3 days and I noticed an increase in the denting in my shins so, I'm hoping that's all it is.
I'm taking too many liberties with my band. Too many carbs, probably eating too much at each sitting.
I'm still frustrated that after shelling out so much money for the surgery I'm having to rely more and more on my own will power which I definitely do not have an abundance of to begin with.
My next fill is May 5th. I want about a gallon of saline this time. More than 4ccs, that's for sure.
I need dainty eating habits. Like a little bird. I want to know at the end of the day, I've barely eaten a thing and I'm full. I have the whole restraint thing down but I'd like a little back up.
The time for real work has set in. The initial thrill of the surgery is over. It's time to lay down some life long habits. Like the water and vitamins in the morning. I'm even almost forgetting to start my day with my hand full of supplements including those very important water pills.
I DO want this. I need to maintain that burning passion for health and for a normal weight. I'm thankfully headed in the right direction but I feel like a detour is always lurking right around the corner. God, it's so easy to fall right back into old eating habits, that mindless nibbling, the bullshit justifications for eating even when I'm not hungry, for listening to my head instead of the rest of my body. Eat when hungry and eat what's good for it. Protein, lean meats specifically, vegetables. The cavemen had it right.
I swam yesterday, with the hope that it would ease the pain in my hip but ALSO for the movement. I really enjoyed it but that bowflex bastard in the garage is really what I should be spending time with. That is, after we blow the dust off of it.
Tomorrow is a road trip day. I WILL make good choices. I've made no secret about my food plan so being with good friends helps keep me honest. There's no reason why healthy and accommodating food can't be found under any circumstance. How hard is it to find a damn chicken breast.
I'm going to make it. I've made great strides already. It's too late to go back to eating McDonald's breakfast and fat laden crap. It's too late for high sugar low protein snacks and Christ almighty, it's definitely too late to climb back into the 300 pound range. And yeah, if you have even rudimentary math skills, you can figure out for yourself (if it really means that much to you) how much I weighed at my top weight. That's as close as I'll come to posting actual numbers, for now.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Surprise Outcome
I've been avoiding the scale since I weighed last week. Being at the baseball tournament all weekend made me insecure about my success.
I'd rather not give so much power to the scale but let's face it: It is the proof, indisputable proof of whether or not I am doing what I should be doing. Either right or wrong. If the damn thing moves in the wrong direction, I could potentially be in a funk over it all day. Even a quarter pound gain is enough to suck the happy right out of my day.
Eating out is something I enjoy but I can never be sure what EXACTLY is going in to the food I order. Too much salt? Too much sugar in the sauce? Who knows. And we did a lot of eating out over the weekend.
But, I am one half pound away from moving into the next set of 10's!!!!!!!!!!! By the end of the week I should be able to move the "big" weight over one more and start watching the little weight make it's way down from 9 to 1. Another set of 10's down, only 6 (ok maybe 7) more to go.
I wish I was comfortable enough to just post the actual numbers already but I find the actuality of it so appalling, like how did I get here? I just can't type the numbers. I imagine once I'm very, very far removed from these current numbers, I won't have a problem owning up to them here.
For today, I'm happy to report that one more 1/2 pound loss will put me into that next set of 10s. I'm thrilled.
I'd rather not give so much power to the scale but let's face it: It is the proof, indisputable proof of whether or not I am doing what I should be doing. Either right or wrong. If the damn thing moves in the wrong direction, I could potentially be in a funk over it all day. Even a quarter pound gain is enough to suck the happy right out of my day.
Eating out is something I enjoy but I can never be sure what EXACTLY is going in to the food I order. Too much salt? Too much sugar in the sauce? Who knows. And we did a lot of eating out over the weekend.
But, I am one half pound away from moving into the next set of 10's!!!!!!!!!!! By the end of the week I should be able to move the "big" weight over one more and start watching the little weight make it's way down from 9 to 1. Another set of 10's down, only 6 (ok maybe 7) more to go.
I wish I was comfortable enough to just post the actual numbers already but I find the actuality of it so appalling, like how did I get here? I just can't type the numbers. I imagine once I'm very, very far removed from these current numbers, I won't have a problem owning up to them here.
For today, I'm happy to report that one more 1/2 pound loss will put me into that next set of 10s. I'm thrilled.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Monday Morning Retrospect
I took a lot of liberties with my band this weekend. They were all "ok" things to eat. I stuck to salads w/ grilled protein but I also stretched the boundaries with some fried cheese. Yes, cheese is technically a protein but I should have chosen an alternative to the fried part. I also think I ate more than 2 oz at a sitting. I'm ordering a food scale so that I can be sure about portion control. If you've never tried it? The lime-chili marinated chicken salad on the AppleBee's Weight Watchers menu is FANTASTIC!! I ate it twice this weekend. Ya know, all in all, for having to be at a baseball field for 3 days straight, Larry and I did pretty well actually. We boycotted the concession stand and ate healthy. Yeah, at first I was like, "whoa dude, we ate too much this weekend" but considering the circumstances we were faced with, I think we did rather well. We keep striving for this illusive perfection and really we should congratulate each other on making good choices.
I acknowledge that we might have eaten a bit too much of the good stuff but we did leave the junk alone.
I think part of this journey is cementing good habits while you are traveling down the scale. Things that will be a permanent part of my lifestyle. For instance: I now crave a crystal light energy water in the morning. I like it in the same cup with the same amount of ice, along with my handfull of vitamins. That's a good habit to be in. And if I can't have it, I don't function as well during the day. I really get that the water intake is paramount. And I'm to the point now where I feel like I want to really implement good habits to safe guard permanent weight loss. I am deathly afraid of being one of those people who got the surgery only to regain all the weight and end up with no options for weight loss. I don't want that to be me.
Have you ever noticed that the words think and thin are just one letter different? Interesting...
I acknowledge that we might have eaten a bit too much of the good stuff but we did leave the junk alone.
I think part of this journey is cementing good habits while you are traveling down the scale. Things that will be a permanent part of my lifestyle. For instance: I now crave a crystal light energy water in the morning. I like it in the same cup with the same amount of ice, along with my handfull of vitamins. That's a good habit to be in. And if I can't have it, I don't function as well during the day. I really get that the water intake is paramount. And I'm to the point now where I feel like I want to really implement good habits to safe guard permanent weight loss. I am deathly afraid of being one of those people who got the surgery only to regain all the weight and end up with no options for weight loss. I don't want that to be me.
Have you ever noticed that the words think and thin are just one letter different? Interesting...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Fill Part 2
I've been "snugged up" per my surgeon. The fill was definitely not worth all the worry and sleep loss. It was easy. I drank the water, he put in the saline until I felt full and then he stopped. 4CCs of saline and I'm all set for a month of restriction.
I've lost 11 pound since my last check up 3 weeks ago and my surgeon was very happy with me.
I'm moving on to high protein low carb REAL food now. Chicken and vegetables and meat!! No more creamy and smooth.
I'm a little scared to let go of all the cottage cheese and tomato soup but I need to move on to real food and begin living life as a banded person. And as a normal weighted person.
I'm 34 pounds down as of yesterday. The band is working. For the first time in my entire life as a fat person, I feel my old life and what defined who I am slipping away. I will still be me but without any exceptions. Without any excuses. I won't be a pretty face or a shame. As in, it's a shame she's so fat, she'd be pretty if she lost weight. The monkey will forever be off my back.
I refuse to focus on anything but the recent past. The goals already met and the life I choose to live every time I wake up. Nothing matters but today. The "goal weight" will reveal it's self in good time. But today, I am the very best me, 34 pounds less of something I was.
Today I tried chunks of chicken, green beans and salad for lunch. I ate 3 pepperoni slices for dinner but at 9:20 I am hungry. Protein and low carb. 2 oz of cheese or maybe some chicken again.
For the next few days it will all be an experiment to see what goes down easy and what my band rejects. I'm excited (and scared) to be entering this phase of the process. All of the initial work is behind me and these next few days will set the tone for how I will eat for the rest of my life.
I've lost 11 pound since my last check up 3 weeks ago and my surgeon was very happy with me.
I'm moving on to high protein low carb REAL food now. Chicken and vegetables and meat!! No more creamy and smooth.
I'm a little scared to let go of all the cottage cheese and tomato soup but I need to move on to real food and begin living life as a banded person. And as a normal weighted person.
I'm 34 pounds down as of yesterday. The band is working. For the first time in my entire life as a fat person, I feel my old life and what defined who I am slipping away. I will still be me but without any exceptions. Without any excuses. I won't be a pretty face or a shame. As in, it's a shame she's so fat, she'd be pretty if she lost weight. The monkey will forever be off my back.
I refuse to focus on anything but the recent past. The goals already met and the life I choose to live every time I wake up. Nothing matters but today. The "goal weight" will reveal it's self in good time. But today, I am the very best me, 34 pounds less of something I was.
Today I tried chunks of chicken, green beans and salad for lunch. I ate 3 pepperoni slices for dinner but at 9:20 I am hungry. Protein and low carb. 2 oz of cheese or maybe some chicken again.
For the next few days it will all be an experiment to see what goes down easy and what my band rejects. I'm excited (and scared) to be entering this phase of the process. All of the initial work is behind me and these next few days will set the tone for how I will eat for the rest of my life.
Friday, April 4, 2008
"THE FILL"
Here's how it works: The band that was placed around my stomach has very small bubbles around the inside of it, like this:
There is a very small port in my abdomen just under my skin which has a very small tube attached to it which leads to the band's bubbles. The doctor will access the port and with a needle filled with saline, he will "fill" the bubbles which will make the band tighter around my stomach. Each time I get a fill, the band gets tighter and tighter around my stomach increasing the restriction of the amount of food I can eat. If I'm not losing weight, I can get a fill and keep getting them and increasing the restriction to help with weight loss. The bubbles can hold a lot of fluid so I have a lot of room to tighten. God, this all sounds kind of backwards.
The part that scares me is that I have to drink a ton of water while he fills the bubbles until I feel like I can't breathe, then he backs out a bit of fluid until I feel relief and that's how he knows he's got the right amount of saline in.
The needle doesn't scare me thanks to my many years as a diabetic giving myself multiple shots daily. The panic feeling of the pressure of the water and the panic of feeling like I can't breathe has me a little nervous.
I think the science behind this whole band thing is pretty cool. I mean, hell if the band, completely empty is helping me lose weight already, think of the losses I'll get when the little bubbles are filled!!
So Monday is the big day! The only drawback is that for 48 hours after the fill, I'm back on clear liquids, a mini suckfest compared to the 2 week suckfest of clear liquids I just completed.
As an aside, I'm happy to report that this morning, I got down into the next set of 10's on the scale. Only by a half a pound but still, I met that little goal and for that, I'm grateful.
I bought some herbal water pills at the medicine shop yesterday and so far, they're really helping. I think we might need a new well dug I've flushed the toilet so much in the last 30 or so hours. But I'm not waking up with fluid in my hands.
I also noticed that my toe rings are spinning around my toes, maybe it's time for me to step into 2008 and lose the toe jewelry all together.
There is a very small port in my abdomen just under my skin which has a very small tube attached to it which leads to the band's bubbles. The doctor will access the port and with a needle filled with saline, he will "fill" the bubbles which will make the band tighter around my stomach. Each time I get a fill, the band gets tighter and tighter around my stomach increasing the restriction of the amount of food I can eat. If I'm not losing weight, I can get a fill and keep getting them and increasing the restriction to help with weight loss. The bubbles can hold a lot of fluid so I have a lot of room to tighten. God, this all sounds kind of backwards.
The part that scares me is that I have to drink a ton of water while he fills the bubbles until I feel like I can't breathe, then he backs out a bit of fluid until I feel relief and that's how he knows he's got the right amount of saline in.
The needle doesn't scare me thanks to my many years as a diabetic giving myself multiple shots daily. The panic feeling of the pressure of the water and the panic of feeling like I can't breathe has me a little nervous.
I think the science behind this whole band thing is pretty cool. I mean, hell if the band, completely empty is helping me lose weight already, think of the losses I'll get when the little bubbles are filled!!
So Monday is the big day! The only drawback is that for 48 hours after the fill, I'm back on clear liquids, a mini suckfest compared to the 2 week suckfest of clear liquids I just completed.
As an aside, I'm happy to report that this morning, I got down into the next set of 10's on the scale. Only by a half a pound but still, I met that little goal and for that, I'm grateful.
I bought some herbal water pills at the medicine shop yesterday and so far, they're really helping. I think we might need a new well dug I've flushed the toilet so much in the last 30 or so hours. But I'm not waking up with fluid in my hands.
I also noticed that my toe rings are spinning around my toes, maybe it's time for me to step into 2008 and lose the toe jewelry all together.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Figuring Out The Right Formula
I'm still being harassed by the edema in my legs and hands. I thought I had the problem licked with taking the extra potassium but the water found it's way back to frustrate the hell out of me. I "know" I'm losing weight. I mean, how could I not? I'm drinking the required gallon of water every day, eating low carb/no carb and the amount of food I'm taking in is astoundingly low. Typically my day looks like this:
No breakfast or a can of low sodium V8
Lunch: Some kind of soup, preferably vegetarian low sodium vegatable soup with chicken or tuna salad.
Dinner: a scoop of guacamole or more soup. Some days it's a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese or some warmed brie.
Occasionally I'll splurge with a 1/2 slice of flax seed wheat bread with a smear of peanut butter. And by a smear? I mean if it's more than an 1/8th of a tablespoon, I'll kiss your ass.
I cut out the yogurt, too much sugar. And holy jesus I haven't had even a sip of milk in more than 8 weeks.
And the scale? It's not reflecting the loss like I think it should!!! I want left movement every day. Is that so much to ask? I guess it is because it's not happening. I need it to move into the next set of 10's. I'm almost there, one more pound and a half and I'll be in that next set. I can't be too specific about the numbers. If I actually posted my actual weight, it would cause you to think, 'Oh my God, do people NOT on the discovery channel's fattest person in the world really weigh THAT much?' 'How does she live with herself knowing she is THAT fat?'. So I'll leave it at I just need to get into that next set of 10's.
I weighed myself this morning before and after taking a long awaited (3 days ok?) poop. I figured hell, a poop that big must weigh at least a pound based on the splash it made in the toilet water but guess what? Even a three day accumulated poop only weighed 1/3 of a pound.
So, my latest idea is to add in a water pill and I cut out the crystal lite powder fearing the sodium in it was adding to my water retention problem. That's on top of the potassium, multi vitamin, tums and pain medication I'm taking so I can keep moving.
Only 4 more days until my fill. I'm nervous and worried it will hurt but my sister is going with me. What's that you say? Pam, you're an only child you silly girl. Well, not any more. My best friend is my sister. From now on. I'm convinced of it and you can't tell me any different. So? My sister is going with me to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok.
No breakfast or a can of low sodium V8
Lunch: Some kind of soup, preferably vegetarian low sodium vegatable soup with chicken or tuna salad.
Dinner: a scoop of guacamole or more soup. Some days it's a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese or some warmed brie.
Occasionally I'll splurge with a 1/2 slice of flax seed wheat bread with a smear of peanut butter. And by a smear? I mean if it's more than an 1/8th of a tablespoon, I'll kiss your ass.
I cut out the yogurt, too much sugar. And holy jesus I haven't had even a sip of milk in more than 8 weeks.
And the scale? It's not reflecting the loss like I think it should!!! I want left movement every day. Is that so much to ask? I guess it is because it's not happening. I need it to move into the next set of 10's. I'm almost there, one more pound and a half and I'll be in that next set. I can't be too specific about the numbers. If I actually posted my actual weight, it would cause you to think, 'Oh my God, do people NOT on the discovery channel's fattest person in the world really weigh THAT much?' 'How does she live with herself knowing she is THAT fat?'. So I'll leave it at I just need to get into that next set of 10's.
I weighed myself this morning before and after taking a long awaited (3 days ok?) poop. I figured hell, a poop that big must weigh at least a pound based on the splash it made in the toilet water but guess what? Even a three day accumulated poop only weighed 1/3 of a pound.
So, my latest idea is to add in a water pill and I cut out the crystal lite powder fearing the sodium in it was adding to my water retention problem. That's on top of the potassium, multi vitamin, tums and pain medication I'm taking so I can keep moving.
Only 4 more days until my fill. I'm nervous and worried it will hurt but my sister is going with me. What's that you say? Pam, you're an only child you silly girl. Well, not any more. My best friend is my sister. From now on. I'm convinced of it and you can't tell me any different. So? My sister is going with me to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Lesson Day
I learned something yesterday. I need to learn by experience. I don't seem to take anyone's word for anything. I have to prove it to myself the hard way. The nurses at Dr. Rehnke's office told me what to do but I had to learn it for myself.
I didn't bother to take care of myself yesterday. I didn't drink all my water and I didn't start my day with my tried and true routine. I'm getting lazy. Lazy about my food plan not lazy in general but I'll get to that part in a minute.
I volunteered at Braden's school yesterday and drove my parents into Tampa and both of those events allowed me to forget my water jug, didn't eat right all day and at dinner, I ate entirely too much. I ate good food just too much of it. WAY too much. Nothing happened with the band I just knew it was too much of a good thing. Immediately I recognized the connection between the lack of water, the change in the routine and the over eating. I needed calories and water and my body craved it in the only way it knew how. And I was helpless to ignore it. If I had built my resistance to it through the day, the evening would have been no problem as it has been in the past. I've been on an even keel because I've taken care of myself all day long. So, lesson learned. I have lost 2.5 more pounds.
I was reading an article about lap band and gastric bypass surgery and they mentioned the increase in energy and how it actually is a problem at first. You're not sure how to displace it, burn it off and man that is me! Six months ago, I craved sleep and my bed all the time. I couldn't wait to get home, get in jammies and sleep sleep sleep. When I was out anywhere I would panic if I couldn't find a seat and I'd literally fall into it. My hip was excruciating and I was tired. Yesterday at Braden's school I stood up durin the movie when I could have sat down, I walked around and encouraged the kids during coloring and did high fives when the work was completed, and I suggested we go outside and play a game, we searched for the soccer ball, YEAH! I was going to play soccer with them!! we ened up playing Mother May I and I showed them how to dance like fairies and trot like horses and hop and twirl. SO completely not the person I was 6 months ago. When I got home fro Tampa, I cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the bird's cage and completed about 75% of a closet cleaning project that was long overdue. I've got 2 lawn and leaf bags full of crappy old clothes that I will NEVER wear again and a 5 foot pile of clothes for the consignment shop; some, even have the tags hanging from them. My closet is admittedly bare but I know that as I work my way down from a 30/32, new, smaller, prettier pieces will soon take up residence. All of those empty hangers will have a purpose again. I was up til 12:30 last night and had to force myself to turn lights out and go to sleep. I laid there snuggled up to Larry for what felt like hours before I finally fell asleep. And this morning? I'm not tired!! Before, I could hardly get myself out of bed. I blamed it on the pain killers I take for the hip but I can see now that it was the weight. I feel great this morning and am going grocery shopping minus the dread of it I used to feel. I feel strong and capable. I even let Braden stay home from school. I used to feel drained by the thought of him being here all day but it doesn't bother me now. I have a feeling this summer is going to be a fun and activity filled one with my new lease on life.
Sometimes the profound gratitude for the surgery overwhelms me. I just didn't know how crappy I felt, how tired I really was. I guess I was in denial. My God, 80 more pounds down and I'll be bouncing off the walls!! There'll be no living with me!! A welcomed inconvenience.
I didn't bother to take care of myself yesterday. I didn't drink all my water and I didn't start my day with my tried and true routine. I'm getting lazy. Lazy about my food plan not lazy in general but I'll get to that part in a minute.
I volunteered at Braden's school yesterday and drove my parents into Tampa and both of those events allowed me to forget my water jug, didn't eat right all day and at dinner, I ate entirely too much. I ate good food just too much of it. WAY too much. Nothing happened with the band I just knew it was too much of a good thing. Immediately I recognized the connection between the lack of water, the change in the routine and the over eating. I needed calories and water and my body craved it in the only way it knew how. And I was helpless to ignore it. If I had built my resistance to it through the day, the evening would have been no problem as it has been in the past. I've been on an even keel because I've taken care of myself all day long. So, lesson learned. I have lost 2.5 more pounds.
I was reading an article about lap band and gastric bypass surgery and they mentioned the increase in energy and how it actually is a problem at first. You're not sure how to displace it, burn it off and man that is me! Six months ago, I craved sleep and my bed all the time. I couldn't wait to get home, get in jammies and sleep sleep sleep. When I was out anywhere I would panic if I couldn't find a seat and I'd literally fall into it. My hip was excruciating and I was tired. Yesterday at Braden's school I stood up durin the movie when I could have sat down, I walked around and encouraged the kids during coloring and did high fives when the work was completed, and I suggested we go outside and play a game, we searched for the soccer ball, YEAH! I was going to play soccer with them!! we ened up playing Mother May I and I showed them how to dance like fairies and trot like horses and hop and twirl. SO completely not the person I was 6 months ago. When I got home fro Tampa, I cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the bird's cage and completed about 75% of a closet cleaning project that was long overdue. I've got 2 lawn and leaf bags full of crappy old clothes that I will NEVER wear again and a 5 foot pile of clothes for the consignment shop; some, even have the tags hanging from them. My closet is admittedly bare but I know that as I work my way down from a 30/32, new, smaller, prettier pieces will soon take up residence. All of those empty hangers will have a purpose again. I was up til 12:30 last night and had to force myself to turn lights out and go to sleep. I laid there snuggled up to Larry for what felt like hours before I finally fell asleep. And this morning? I'm not tired!! Before, I could hardly get myself out of bed. I blamed it on the pain killers I take for the hip but I can see now that it was the weight. I feel great this morning and am going grocery shopping minus the dread of it I used to feel. I feel strong and capable. I even let Braden stay home from school. I used to feel drained by the thought of him being here all day but it doesn't bother me now. I have a feeling this summer is going to be a fun and activity filled one with my new lease on life.
Sometimes the profound gratitude for the surgery overwhelms me. I just didn't know how crappy I felt, how tired I really was. I guess I was in denial. My God, 80 more pounds down and I'll be bouncing off the walls!! There'll be no living with me!! A welcomed inconvenience.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Week 3.5
Almost halfway through week three. Everything is going along fine, to sum it up in a word.
Yesterday a friend and I walked the mall and had lunch at Panera. Such a safe place for me to eat. Tomato Basil soup and a bit of chicken salad. PERFECT!
Today I went with Larry to his mandatory attendance at an orientation for the weight loss surgery. There wasn't much new news for him to hear, having gone through it with me, what's there to tell? He got a big heaping dose of experience.
We had lunch after at another great choice for me. Cottage cheese, very smooth lobster bisque soup and shrimp salad. Frankly, since I've upped my water intake to meet the required gallon a day, I'm just not that hungry. So it was more soup than anything else. I had 3 bites of the cottage cheese and the same of the shrimp salad.
During the orientation the speaker made a reference to how getting the band surgery is more like brain surgery in that after you get your band, something shuts off in your brain. I gave this some thought and she's SO right. I realized that I haven't even thought about going to McDonald's for breakfast (something I used to LOVE to do) or binging on anything unhealthy. Last night, I brought home BBQ for the boys, smelled the french fries all the way home and yes, acknowledged the aroma but didn't like the idea of putting that mess in my body. Which THEN lead me to think about what I'm making the boys eat with all this food I'm bringing home instead of preparing for them. If I wouldn't eat it, why should I expect them to? I'm going to be changing that up here shortly. Frankly, I don't feel quite ready to start handling too much food. I feel like I'd be fine after my "brain surgery" but I don't want to push it. I DO want them to start eating healthier. I don't bring home fast food, per say but it's loaded with sodium and plenty of other unhealthy stuff, last night's chopped pork sandwiches weren't too bad but the french fries could have been replaced with baked potatoes easily enough. One step at a time, right?
At the mall yesterday I picked out some cute tops for our away tournament this weekend. My friend suggested trying an 18/20 top on. At my top weight, I was buying 30/32. I wonder if normal weighted people are even aware that clothes go beyond a size 18. Avenue shops carry up to a 30/32. I was opting for this size because the tops are long enough to cover my heinous belly. Which is shrinking little by little. The 18/20 top I was admiring was a baby doll cut so it was generous around with a stretchy bodice. I brought a 20/22 and a 22/24 with us to the dressing room. I ended up with the 18/20!! I cried to be honest. It felt SO good to be a few sizes away from the largest size Lane Bryant makes. For a while, I wasn't even shopping in Lane Bryant because their tops only go to 26/28 and their clothes are more traditionally cut than the ones at Avenue. God, it's so complicated being fat!!! I have also dropped 2 pant sizes!! Not quite an 18/20 yet but I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm getting there!
It's just a daily process. Gastric bypass recipients compared to lap band recipeints typically lose their weight alarmingly fast with a pretty dismal regain percentage. Lap banders lose more slowly but tend to keep the weight off longer. Plus, banders have less side effects than gastric bypass patients. No hair loss, less problematic bowels etc. So, I think I'm sitting pretty.
I also treated myself to some sterling silver jewelry today. Pieces that, like everything else I've bought lately would never have fit me before. Obese as I was, I could rarely find off the rack jewelry that would fit on my wrist, neck or fingers. 2 years ago Larry bought me a beautiful tennis bracelet that I had to return because it was about an inch short for my wrist, or my wrist was about an inch fat for the bracelet! It killed me to return it. Wish now I had kept it. But I never, in a million years thought I'd be where I am today.
In all honesty, during the orientation today, I was so relieved and happy to be on the other side of the surgery. The speaker asked me to contribute a bit on my experience and that felt SO good.
I'm looking forward to my fill (obsessing is more like it) on 4/7. Week 4-6 will be include foods in the soft food catagory! After that? Experimenting with flaky meats and a much more "normal" diet and anticipation of great things to come.
Yesterday a friend and I walked the mall and had lunch at Panera. Such a safe place for me to eat. Tomato Basil soup and a bit of chicken salad. PERFECT!
Today I went with Larry to his mandatory attendance at an orientation for the weight loss surgery. There wasn't much new news for him to hear, having gone through it with me, what's there to tell? He got a big heaping dose of experience.
We had lunch after at another great choice for me. Cottage cheese, very smooth lobster bisque soup and shrimp salad. Frankly, since I've upped my water intake to meet the required gallon a day, I'm just not that hungry. So it was more soup than anything else. I had 3 bites of the cottage cheese and the same of the shrimp salad.
During the orientation the speaker made a reference to how getting the band surgery is more like brain surgery in that after you get your band, something shuts off in your brain. I gave this some thought and she's SO right. I realized that I haven't even thought about going to McDonald's for breakfast (something I used to LOVE to do) or binging on anything unhealthy. Last night, I brought home BBQ for the boys, smelled the french fries all the way home and yes, acknowledged the aroma but didn't like the idea of putting that mess in my body. Which THEN lead me to think about what I'm making the boys eat with all this food I'm bringing home instead of preparing for them. If I wouldn't eat it, why should I expect them to? I'm going to be changing that up here shortly. Frankly, I don't feel quite ready to start handling too much food. I feel like I'd be fine after my "brain surgery" but I don't want to push it. I DO want them to start eating healthier. I don't bring home fast food, per say but it's loaded with sodium and plenty of other unhealthy stuff, last night's chopped pork sandwiches weren't too bad but the french fries could have been replaced with baked potatoes easily enough. One step at a time, right?
At the mall yesterday I picked out some cute tops for our away tournament this weekend. My friend suggested trying an 18/20 top on. At my top weight, I was buying 30/32. I wonder if normal weighted people are even aware that clothes go beyond a size 18. Avenue shops carry up to a 30/32. I was opting for this size because the tops are long enough to cover my heinous belly. Which is shrinking little by little. The 18/20 top I was admiring was a baby doll cut so it was generous around with a stretchy bodice. I brought a 20/22 and a 22/24 with us to the dressing room. I ended up with the 18/20!! I cried to be honest. It felt SO good to be a few sizes away from the largest size Lane Bryant makes. For a while, I wasn't even shopping in Lane Bryant because their tops only go to 26/28 and their clothes are more traditionally cut than the ones at Avenue. God, it's so complicated being fat!!! I have also dropped 2 pant sizes!! Not quite an 18/20 yet but I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm getting there!
It's just a daily process. Gastric bypass recipients compared to lap band recipeints typically lose their weight alarmingly fast with a pretty dismal regain percentage. Lap banders lose more slowly but tend to keep the weight off longer. Plus, banders have less side effects than gastric bypass patients. No hair loss, less problematic bowels etc. So, I think I'm sitting pretty.
I also treated myself to some sterling silver jewelry today. Pieces that, like everything else I've bought lately would never have fit me before. Obese as I was, I could rarely find off the rack jewelry that would fit on my wrist, neck or fingers. 2 years ago Larry bought me a beautiful tennis bracelet that I had to return because it was about an inch short for my wrist, or my wrist was about an inch fat for the bracelet! It killed me to return it. Wish now I had kept it. But I never, in a million years thought I'd be where I am today.
In all honesty, during the orientation today, I was so relieved and happy to be on the other side of the surgery. The speaker asked me to contribute a bit on my experience and that felt SO good.
I'm looking forward to my fill (obsessing is more like it) on 4/7. Week 4-6 will be include foods in the soft food catagory! After that? Experimenting with flaky meats and a much more "normal" diet and anticipation of great things to come.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter 2008
Easter was smooth sailing! I decided to restrict all food until our 3:00 dinner so that I could enjoy a relatively guilt free dinner with some enjoyable food. And, aside from a low sodium V8 juice (70 calories) around noon, that's exactly what I did. At dinner I had 1 crab cake minus the crusty outside, a few bites of some sashimi tuna, 1/4 cup of cottage cheese and 1/2 a plain baked potato excluding skin. I was even strong enough to resist an offer of a bite of key lime pie (my favorite dessert).
At 8:00 I had a hard boiled egg and now I am having another V8.
I got the usual comments at dinner from extended family members, "I feel guilty eating in front of you!" "Is that ALL you're going to eat?". I hope I got the point across that it would make me feel terrible if I spoiled anyone's dinner by my choice to have this surgery and eat like I'm supposed to. I'd rather my dinner mates eat whatever they want, however much they want and understand that this was *my* choice, I WANT this.
Before I wrote this post, I acknowledged how well things had gone today and how the good feeling of a clean, abstinent day feels. It feels much better than the momentary feeling of satisfaction the food provides as it's going down.
If only I could remember that. If only I could bottle that feeling and open it and feel how good it feels BEFORE I give in and eat something that I know isn't part of my plan.
Last week at my post op appointment my Doctor said I literally could go without ANY food until I reached my goal weight. I'm sorry? WHAT? Could you say that in my good ear because it sounded like you said I could go without food until I weigh 150 pounds. He explained that I have plenty of stored energy (my fat ass for instance) to sustain my life until it runs out and then I should be at whatever weight is right for my body.
So my daily goal is to live by those words. Of course I know I can't go entirely without food but if I can get as close to that goal as possible, imagine the results.
My period still hasn't arrived. Frankly, the unrealistic idea of actually accidentally being pregnant has crossed my mind but more importantly, I want it to come and go so I can stop playing with the scale waiting for the pre period weight gain to stop messing with my head.
I'm one second away from a screw up at all times. I know this. I'm arming myself with as much ammo to fight off the urges successfully. My best friend and I (who also had gastric bypass surgery) are going to start going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Just like AA, OA is a place to find abstinence and sobriety from compulsive eating. I actually met my BFF at an OA meeting, she became my sponsor and has been, for the past 20 years, my biggest supporter. Sure we give each other tough love and call each other on the bull we try and pull to get to eat but we're closer than sisters. I feel that she is part of my heart, part of me. She knows me better than anyone else, even my Mother. There are things she just intuitively understands about food addiction, about my personality and about what drives me to be who I am. We practice rigorous honesty with each other; it sometimes stings but it's what we need to achieve our goals and maintain our sobriety. For us, it's not just a diet. As ball breaking as it is, this 12 step program? It's also equally as rewarding.
Even though I had success today, that doesn't ensure a repeat tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I have to recommit myself to 24 hours of clean eating. And then, I have to do it all over again. Amen.
At 8:00 I had a hard boiled egg and now I am having another V8.
I got the usual comments at dinner from extended family members, "I feel guilty eating in front of you!" "Is that ALL you're going to eat?". I hope I got the point across that it would make me feel terrible if I spoiled anyone's dinner by my choice to have this surgery and eat like I'm supposed to. I'd rather my dinner mates eat whatever they want, however much they want and understand that this was *my* choice, I WANT this.
Before I wrote this post, I acknowledged how well things had gone today and how the good feeling of a clean, abstinent day feels. It feels much better than the momentary feeling of satisfaction the food provides as it's going down.
If only I could remember that. If only I could bottle that feeling and open it and feel how good it feels BEFORE I give in and eat something that I know isn't part of my plan.
Last week at my post op appointment my Doctor said I literally could go without ANY food until I reached my goal weight. I'm sorry? WHAT? Could you say that in my good ear because it sounded like you said I could go without food until I weigh 150 pounds. He explained that I have plenty of stored energy (my fat ass for instance) to sustain my life until it runs out and then I should be at whatever weight is right for my body.
So my daily goal is to live by those words. Of course I know I can't go entirely without food but if I can get as close to that goal as possible, imagine the results.
My period still hasn't arrived. Frankly, the unrealistic idea of actually accidentally being pregnant has crossed my mind but more importantly, I want it to come and go so I can stop playing with the scale waiting for the pre period weight gain to stop messing with my head.
I'm one second away from a screw up at all times. I know this. I'm arming myself with as much ammo to fight off the urges successfully. My best friend and I (who also had gastric bypass surgery) are going to start going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Just like AA, OA is a place to find abstinence and sobriety from compulsive eating. I actually met my BFF at an OA meeting, she became my sponsor and has been, for the past 20 years, my biggest supporter. Sure we give each other tough love and call each other on the bull we try and pull to get to eat but we're closer than sisters. I feel that she is part of my heart, part of me. She knows me better than anyone else, even my Mother. There are things she just intuitively understands about food addiction, about my personality and about what drives me to be who I am. We practice rigorous honesty with each other; it sometimes stings but it's what we need to achieve our goals and maintain our sobriety. For us, it's not just a diet. As ball breaking as it is, this 12 step program? It's also equally as rewarding.
Even though I had success today, that doesn't ensure a repeat tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I have to recommit myself to 24 hours of clean eating. And then, I have to do it all over again. Amen.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Rough Patch
Day 16 was rough friends. You all have been so kind and supportive, cheering me on and sending me kind words. And I've been so, well, so boastful about my achievements. I'm not sure who I feel worse for, me or you. I've let us down. I've had a rough day. Possibly due to my period being a day late; I just love the extended version of PMS. Hell, why not just be a week late so I can wallow in the bloating and food cravings longer. Shark week. I heard that phrase yesterday and thought it was funny.
Anyway, the day started out just fine. I had my 2 week post-op appointment. According to their scale, I've lost 8 pounds since surgery but somehow that doesn't correspond with my scale but whatever, 4 pounds a week is very good according to my Doctor. So, there's that and I made my appointment for my first fill, which is freaking me out. I'm scared of the fill. What if I throw up? What if things get stuck? I'm comfortable with my repertoire of food at the moment, with the exception of the cheating that's been going on today. I'm all over the place with my food and I can't seem to stop my hand to mouth disease. Lunch was actually fine, small cup of chicken soup broth and 1/2 a cup of chicken salad finely diced. But then, all hell broke loose this afternoon and tonight. A maple scone, 2 bites of some cheese bread, too much brie after dinner and even though I had tomato soup for dinner, I had a blood sugar low after Braden's baseball game and used it to my full advantage and justified another bowl of butternut squash soup. Ok, no this wasn't like, a large extra cheese pizza and a hot fudge sundae but this bullshit is exactly how binging starts and "technically" I'm still supposed to be on all liquids, I've just been graduated to all liquids not just the clear ones. With an eating disorder and food addictions, it's not about what you eat, it's about the fact that you're not abstaining and eating for emotional reasons not just to nourish your body. It's all wrong.
I'm not really doing myself any favors. The urge to eat the fucking paint off the walls and everything in between is maddening. I'm obsessing and I'm not exactly sure why. I know it's emotionally based and I really need to sit and figure out what's going on.
I won't lie and say everything is great and I'm doing fine while in reality this rough patch? it feels more like a meadow of stinging nettle.
Anyway, the day started out just fine. I had my 2 week post-op appointment. According to their scale, I've lost 8 pounds since surgery but somehow that doesn't correspond with my scale but whatever, 4 pounds a week is very good according to my Doctor. So, there's that and I made my appointment for my first fill, which is freaking me out. I'm scared of the fill. What if I throw up? What if things get stuck? I'm comfortable with my repertoire of food at the moment, with the exception of the cheating that's been going on today. I'm all over the place with my food and I can't seem to stop my hand to mouth disease. Lunch was actually fine, small cup of chicken soup broth and 1/2 a cup of chicken salad finely diced. But then, all hell broke loose this afternoon and tonight. A maple scone, 2 bites of some cheese bread, too much brie after dinner and even though I had tomato soup for dinner, I had a blood sugar low after Braden's baseball game and used it to my full advantage and justified another bowl of butternut squash soup. Ok, no this wasn't like, a large extra cheese pizza and a hot fudge sundae but this bullshit is exactly how binging starts and "technically" I'm still supposed to be on all liquids, I've just been graduated to all liquids not just the clear ones. With an eating disorder and food addictions, it's not about what you eat, it's about the fact that you're not abstaining and eating for emotional reasons not just to nourish your body. It's all wrong.
I'm not really doing myself any favors. The urge to eat the fucking paint off the walls and everything in between is maddening. I'm obsessing and I'm not exactly sure why. I know it's emotionally based and I really need to sit and figure out what's going on.
I won't lie and say everything is great and I'm doing fine while in reality this rough patch? it feels more like a meadow of stinging nettle.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Balance
I am having a bit of a struggle with my blood sugars right now. I optimistically hoped that my diabetes would just disappear after surgery and with the little I was eating, I prematurely put my pump in the drawer and threw away all of my testing supplies. Yeah, it wasn't like the movie 'Field of Dreams', just because I built the drawer void of all the diabetes supplies, the freedom from the disease didn't come. I could tell by how I felt that my sugar was high.
So, the pump went back on last night. It put me in a bit of dejected mood, giving in and depending on the pump again.
Today I had two blood sugar lows. Out of now where, my sugar dropped to 58 and 61. If you've never had a blood sugar low, it's hard to imagine how it feels. Panic, sweat, shaking, disorientation, no energy. It sucks the life right out. And it forces me to eat to recover normal reading which makes me afraid to get on the scale. See the merry go round I'm on?
In frustration, earlier tonight I took the pump off (again). I guess some tweaking is in order but I'm frustrated and tend to go on overwhelm when too much is happening with my body chemistry all at once.
I ain't healed yet but with time and patience and massive amounts of lost weight I think I might just beat this disease, if I can just find some balance.
So, the pump went back on last night. It put me in a bit of dejected mood, giving in and depending on the pump again.
Today I had two blood sugar lows. Out of now where, my sugar dropped to 58 and 61. If you've never had a blood sugar low, it's hard to imagine how it feels. Panic, sweat, shaking, disorientation, no energy. It sucks the life right out. And it forces me to eat to recover normal reading which makes me afraid to get on the scale. See the merry go round I'm on?
In frustration, earlier tonight I took the pump off (again). I guess some tweaking is in order but I'm frustrated and tend to go on overwhelm when too much is happening with my body chemistry all at once.
I ain't healed yet but with time and patience and massive amounts of lost weight I think I might just beat this disease, if I can just find some balance.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Weight Watch '08
Over the last four days I've hopped on and off the scale about 4,623 times waiting for some movement. Anything in the left direction would have been that goddamn validation I'm always starved for.
Three days went by and I became increasingly pissed off. I forgot that it was ok to keep enjoying the weight loss I had already achieved. No, I need loss every day. So for three days I ranted and raved and pouted and crabbed about all the work I'm doing, the very little I'm eating and for what? Nothing?
I saw my dietitian on Thursday and she suggested that my water retention (did I mention that my ankles are denting again? Not as much as before but still more than I'd like) was due to my constant low potassium. Did you know that low potassium makes your body retain water? I didn't. She also said I wasn't eating enough, that my metabolism gets a hint from the lack of food and senses starvation coming on and says, uh, hell to the no, and shuts down completely. She suggested after researching the ADA's recommendation for band recipients, that I start including some low sodium V8 juice (imagine me at this point, crying with joy over the thought of V8 with a twist of lime and vod... er, never mind, I WAS NOT thinking about adding a shot of vodka I swear. She also suggested yogurt. At this point, my taste buds were having an orgasm in my mouth. I also added a potassium supplement and a tums at every meal for calcium.
So, after all of this........ wait for it................wait for it...............................
I'm down four more pounds. It worked and who knew that eating MORE would result in a weight loss? My period is due on the 20th too so this is technically PMS week for me too.
My jeans are really loose on me and I am down a shirt size.
One of the boys on Ian's baseball team told Ian that I looked really good and asked him if I had lost weight. I LOVE those unsolicited comments from people who don't know I've had the surgery. It's one thing for people to comment who know I've had it and are sort of looking for signs of loss but a comment from a 13 year old boy? That absolutely made my day.
So, thank you Nicholas. You are a punkin for saying such nice things about me!!
We went out to dinner after our full day of baseball and I had the broth (yeah yeah, I'm still on the broth) from chicken and dumplings, cottage cheese and some apple sauce. It was a joy to be out, having dinner and feeling good.
Larry and I bought a bowflex machine over the weekend so we're all going to start working out too.
Tomorrow is another long day at the ball field but I'm armed and ready with my slimfast, tomato juice, soft cheese and yogurt. I'm also going to start incorporating some egg salad into my lunches. It's such a great source of protein and easy on the band.
Three days went by and I became increasingly pissed off. I forgot that it was ok to keep enjoying the weight loss I had already achieved. No, I need loss every day. So for three days I ranted and raved and pouted and crabbed about all the work I'm doing, the very little I'm eating and for what? Nothing?
I saw my dietitian on Thursday and she suggested that my water retention (did I mention that my ankles are denting again? Not as much as before but still more than I'd like) was due to my constant low potassium. Did you know that low potassium makes your body retain water? I didn't. She also said I wasn't eating enough, that my metabolism gets a hint from the lack of food and senses starvation coming on and says, uh, hell to the no, and shuts down completely. She suggested after researching the ADA's recommendation for band recipients, that I start including some low sodium V8 juice (imagine me at this point, crying with joy over the thought of V8 with a twist of lime and vod... er, never mind, I WAS NOT thinking about adding a shot of vodka I swear. She also suggested yogurt. At this point, my taste buds were having an orgasm in my mouth. I also added a potassium supplement and a tums at every meal for calcium.
So, after all of this........ wait for it................wait for it...............................
I'm down four more pounds. It worked and who knew that eating MORE would result in a weight loss? My period is due on the 20th too so this is technically PMS week for me too.
My jeans are really loose on me and I am down a shirt size.
One of the boys on Ian's baseball team told Ian that I looked really good and asked him if I had lost weight. I LOVE those unsolicited comments from people who don't know I've had the surgery. It's one thing for people to comment who know I've had it and are sort of looking for signs of loss but a comment from a 13 year old boy? That absolutely made my day.
So, thank you Nicholas. You are a punkin for saying such nice things about me!!
We went out to dinner after our full day of baseball and I had the broth (yeah yeah, I'm still on the broth) from chicken and dumplings, cottage cheese and some apple sauce. It was a joy to be out, having dinner and feeling good.
Larry and I bought a bowflex machine over the weekend so we're all going to start working out too.
Tomorrow is another long day at the ball field but I'm armed and ready with my slimfast, tomato juice, soft cheese and yogurt. I'm also going to start incorporating some egg salad into my lunches. It's such a great source of protein and easy on the band.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Turns Out, Split Pea Soup Isn't a Clear Liquid!
I got a little adventuresome last night at a salad bar restaurant and got crazy with the soups. I had a little of this and a little of that, chicken noodle broth, southwestern minestrone broth and a wee bit of split pea which I watered down with some French Onion broth.
It didn't work out too well. I was nauseous to hell last night. It never culminated in an unhappy ending but shit was I miserable.
And to top off that sundae of misery, I didn't lose an ounce yesterday. It boggles my mind that for little bit that I'm eating and the plethora of diarrhea I'm having now, I should still be losing.
Today I had 1 special K2O protein water, a bowl of matzo ball soup (just the broth again) and about 1/4 cup cottage cheese. Which again, is definitely not a clear liquid but was tolerated quite well. Dinner was left over wonton broth. If you stabbed me, I am quite positive I would bleed broth.
I'm a flagrant non compliant person. I only have 6 more day of clear liquids and it wouldn't kill me to tough it out. I am actually looking forward to weeks 2-4 with a just liquid diet, blended soup. Real life on the edge.
I want sushi and oysters and with impeccable timing the fair just ended with it's midway full of deep fried oreos and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Deep friend PB&J. Kill me now.
I ordered a book on a suggestion from a new reader about the mental struggle of being banded. Oh, it's 99% mental if you ask me. If I see another fucking Pizza Hut commercial I'm going to go out of my mind. Or, throw a shoe at the TV.
Sucking on a Parmesan and garlic chicken wing is an act of a desperate woman.
It didn't work out too well. I was nauseous to hell last night. It never culminated in an unhappy ending but shit was I miserable.
And to top off that sundae of misery, I didn't lose an ounce yesterday. It boggles my mind that for little bit that I'm eating and the plethora of diarrhea I'm having now, I should still be losing.
Today I had 1 special K2O protein water, a bowl of matzo ball soup (just the broth again) and about 1/4 cup cottage cheese. Which again, is definitely not a clear liquid but was tolerated quite well. Dinner was left over wonton broth. If you stabbed me, I am quite positive I would bleed broth.
I'm a flagrant non compliant person. I only have 6 more day of clear liquids and it wouldn't kill me to tough it out. I am actually looking forward to weeks 2-4 with a just liquid diet, blended soup. Real life on the edge.
I want sushi and oysters and with impeccable timing the fair just ended with it's midway full of deep fried oreos and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Deep friend PB&J. Kill me now.
I ordered a book on a suggestion from a new reader about the mental struggle of being banded. Oh, it's 99% mental if you ask me. If I see another fucking Pizza Hut commercial I'm going to go out of my mind. Or, throw a shoe at the TV.
Sucking on a Parmesan and garlic chicken wing is an act of a desperate woman.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I know why I waited so long but I sure wish I hadn't
Loss to date: 25.5 pounds.
I haven't weighed this weight in 4 years. I've contemplated the lap band surgery for a long time but I was told, 4 years ago that I was not a candidate for it because of my scar tissue. So I bought that story and believed it until another Doctor suggested that I ask for a second opinion on that. I'm sure glad I took his advice.
I hate that I waited so long for this but I also know that everything happens at the right time for the right reasons. I just wish the right time would have been before diabetes took such a toll on my health and my family had to suffer through so many bouts with cellulitis and my constant decline in energy and good health. No one should have to suffer like that.
The scale continues to amaze me and every morning when I weigh, I'm sure the scale is broken or unbalanced in some way. I hop off and on and adjust my feet but I can't deny the numbers. The weight cannot be coming off this fast. Every single day I see a loss of at least 3/4 of a pound or more. CRAZY, right?
I've been experimenting with some soup here and there and so far, everything has gone down just fine. I had a little wonton and egg drop soup last night and on Saturday I had some japanese broth. Today I had lunch out (for the first time in a LONG time), just asked the folks at the restaurant to strain the french onion broth, it was perfect.
I really feel like I'm healing well and have all my energy back. Actually, I don't think I've felt this good in a long time, Agnes be damned.
I haven't weighed this weight in 4 years. I've contemplated the lap band surgery for a long time but I was told, 4 years ago that I was not a candidate for it because of my scar tissue. So I bought that story and believed it until another Doctor suggested that I ask for a second opinion on that. I'm sure glad I took his advice.
I hate that I waited so long for this but I also know that everything happens at the right time for the right reasons. I just wish the right time would have been before diabetes took such a toll on my health and my family had to suffer through so many bouts with cellulitis and my constant decline in energy and good health. No one should have to suffer like that.
The scale continues to amaze me and every morning when I weigh, I'm sure the scale is broken or unbalanced in some way. I hop off and on and adjust my feet but I can't deny the numbers. The weight cannot be coming off this fast. Every single day I see a loss of at least 3/4 of a pound or more. CRAZY, right?
I've been experimenting with some soup here and there and so far, everything has gone down just fine. I had a little wonton and egg drop soup last night and on Saturday I had some japanese broth. Today I had lunch out (for the first time in a LONG time), just asked the folks at the restaurant to strain the french onion broth, it was perfect.
I really feel like I'm healing well and have all my energy back. Actually, I don't think I've felt this good in a long time, Agnes be damned.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Ankle Strap Shoes
These are the sandals that I could barely strap on with the first hole, now they're loose on the THIRD hole!! YIPPEE!!!
Friday March 7, 2008 Loss
Loss from top weight ever: 19.5 pounds
Loss from starting weight with optifast: 15 pounds
Loss Since Surgery: 4.5 pounds
Feeling a little better today. Fevers are down but low, low energy. Called Rehnke's office and got permission to add optifast back in for nutritional support.
Struggling with low blood sugars, 51 last night @1:30 a.m. sucked down 3 juice boxes and 2 tablespoons of honey. Dr's office suggested just rolling with it until my body settles down and gets used to the new diet. I have to agree but the sugar lows are hard to handle.
I can't lie, I want to eat. I'd love one of my spinach salads or a veggie sub. But unlike the two week fast, I don't have a choice about it now. I can't eat. I physically cannot ingest anything other than the liquids. And I'm struggling not to let that turn on any depression. I sort of feel like I need a vice. Food served that purpose for many years. Now that that has been taken away, what is left? I'm smoking to get through the rough spots and I guess I'll call that ok for right now. No guilt but I know down the road, I'll have to quit that too.
When I'm feeling better, I'm going to post a picture of my ankles. I have some cute strap around the ankle sandals that I used to be able to just barely buckle on the first hole. Now? Today? I buckled them on the FOURTH hole!! The swelling and water weight/fat loss, even in this very early stage, is incredible. My ankles look great. That's got to get me through my food issues.
Loss from starting weight with optifast: 15 pounds
Loss Since Surgery: 4.5 pounds
Feeling a little better today. Fevers are down but low, low energy. Called Rehnke's office and got permission to add optifast back in for nutritional support.
Struggling with low blood sugars, 51 last night @1:30 a.m. sucked down 3 juice boxes and 2 tablespoons of honey. Dr's office suggested just rolling with it until my body settles down and gets used to the new diet. I have to agree but the sugar lows are hard to handle.
I can't lie, I want to eat. I'd love one of my spinach salads or a veggie sub. But unlike the two week fast, I don't have a choice about it now. I can't eat. I physically cannot ingest anything other than the liquids. And I'm struggling not to let that turn on any depression. I sort of feel like I need a vice. Food served that purpose for many years. Now that that has been taken away, what is left? I'm smoking to get through the rough spots and I guess I'll call that ok for right now. No guilt but I know down the road, I'll have to quit that too.
When I'm feeling better, I'm going to post a picture of my ankles. I have some cute strap around the ankle sandals that I used to be able to just barely buckle on the first hole. Now? Today? I buckled them on the FOURTH hole!! The swelling and water weight/fat loss, even in this very early stage, is incredible. My ankles look great. That's got to get me through my food issues.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Let the Shrinking Commence....
Just a quick note to let you know that patient is doing well and is out of surgery! :) More details posted as received.....
Monday, March 3, 2008
Up Close And Personal
Providing I can figure out how, starting tonight I am going to be posting video updates here. I'd love to say that my surgeon will let someone video my surgery but I think that might be pushing it.
I'm going to be documenting my journey, the ups and downs, including the downward slide of the ever loving scale.
Stay tuned.
I'm going to be documenting my journey, the ups and downs, including the downward slide of the ever loving scale.
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Hey Bright Side?
Would you come sit by me for a little while? I could use your optimism for a bit. Oh, don't get me wrong, I appreciate being able to just lay around and have people wait on me all day, checking my vitals, bringing me food and medicine and all but dammit I really wanted to be done with my surgery at this point.
Good news is, I'm down 11.5 pounds thanks to the craptastic food here and my inability to access the snack machine on the first floor. And if I had something brewing, aka a bacterial infection, now would be the time to catch it, kill it and then go cutting me open.
For all the times I've been in the hospital, this is the first time that missing my family has hit me this hard. Before, I was grateful for the break and kind of enjoyed sleeping whenever I wanted and the afore mentioned having my meals brought to me but last night during an episode of Sponge Bob, aptly titled BubbleStand, my boys crawled up onto my hospital bed and snuggled in with me. The missing them part hit me, and hit me hard. When a snarly 13 year old will snuggle with his Momma and actually have the words, I miss you spring forth from his mouth you know that you are missed. And that you miss them back. Braden was his usual lovey self and I ate up every minute, kissing his face off before it was time for them to leave for the night. I was grateful for the 4 hours Larry was able to spend with me yesterday afternoon, even if we both slept through most of the visit and I kissed his face off a little bit too. Just knowing that he could have been home in our comfy bed napping but chose to keep me company instead made me feel better. And it made me miss him a little less.
Hopefully today will be my last day away from my boys. The infectious disease doctor said two more days but historically I go home after 48 hours of this shit and welcome back the chaos that is my "normal" life. Onward to next Tuesday when we'll try this great idea of weight loss surgery again.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Because I'm Lazy, click here to see what's up
Bubble Writes
Oh, and thank you guys for stopping by to let me know that you're thinking about me, it makes me feel all giddy inside.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I Was Beginning To Wonder
After 10 days on the liquids, I was beginning to wonder if I was some weird freak of nature who, no matter what, could not lose weight. For the last few days, I just hadn't felt like I was losing any weight, in fact my rings weren't even loose anymore. In an earlier post I mentioned that it appeared that I'd lost 4 pounds. I chose the word appeared because the scale that reflected the loss wasn't the same scale I used to record my initial starting weight. I had weighed on a hospital scale which obviously sees a lot of bare feet and movement of the weights back and forth. So, it could have been light or heavy by a lot.
Today I weighed on the original scale. A doctor's scale which has sat, mocking me, for 30 years in my parent's laundry room. So, according to that scale I've lost 7.5 pounds. In case you missed the enormity of that, here it is again:
Today I weighed on the original scale. A doctor's scale which has sat, mocking me, for 30 years in my parent's laundry room. So, according to that scale I've lost 7.5 pounds. In case you missed the enormity of that, here it is again:
***********7.5 pounds*************
Can I get a HELL YEAH? 7.5 pounds in 10 days. I'll take that.
I can't describe the feeling of moving the weights a little to the left, a little more to the left and just a little more again!!!
Today was a very good day. Three protein drinks and (yes another) spinach salad. Good enough for me. I'm still amazed at the love I feel for a slice of fresh mushroom after nothing but the drinks all day. And I have a serious crush on yellow peppers. Radishes are also good company.
I got the all clear on my pre-op tests. Nothing in the lungs that shouldn't be there and all the blood was fine. Oh, and my heart is beating. Always a good sign.
I can't describe the feeling of moving the weights a little to the left, a little more to the left and just a little more again!!!
Today was a very good day. Three protein drinks and (yes another) spinach salad. Good enough for me. I'm still amazed at the love I feel for a slice of fresh mushroom after nothing but the drinks all day. And I have a serious crush on yellow peppers. Radishes are also good company.
I got the all clear on my pre-op tests. Nothing in the lungs that shouldn't be there and all the blood was fine. Oh, and my heart is beating. Always a good sign.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Basically, 4 days and counting
Today is half over and Tuesday is THEE day so pretty much, I'm convinced that I only have 4 days left. Four days to rely on my own will (or lack of) to keep my hands off the doritos and out of the ice cream.
Yesterday was another success I guess. For most of the day I was with the closest thing I'll ever have to a sister. She is exactly who I need her to be in my life at any given moment. Currently, she is on a very restricted food plan so eating out yesterday was not going to happen. We didn't even entertain the idea because neither of us is eating! It couldn't have worked out better. It made not eating very easy. She is my voice of reason in very uncertain waters.
She's had gastric bypass, she was my sponsor when I did the 12 steps of Over Eaters Anonymous so my friend knows my shit. She knows me inside out and upside down and surprisingly enough, she still loves me! After 20+ years!
I ended up eating another peanut butter sandwich (what's with the peanut butter?) late yesterday afternoon and some carrots. I made the boys cheese ravioli w/ pepperoni and marinara sauce and shrimp scampi w/garlic bread. Oddly, not eating that food was pretty easy. I wasn't even tempted. As we do every night, all night long, Larry and I toss around the idea of ordering a veggie sub from Subway and then we don't. It's become routine and almost a joke between us.
I don't know why I don't see the last 10 days as more of a success than they are. I think that I've been wired for perfection so that anything less is a complete failure. I confessed my cheats to Ian and even he (my harshest critic) was encouraging and positive about my good choices. I wish I could cut myself some slack like that.
In the meantime, I'm dreaming of waking up in recovery with my band and the comfort of knowing that it's over, I did it. And my first steps toward (FINALLY) a life without the burden of being overweight. I'll always have a "weight problem" because it'll be something I work on every day but the difference between February 27th 2008 and February 27, 2007 is that I am (finally) doing something to change the reality of living as an obese person. And dreaming, or more like fantasizing about being on the cover of the "How I Lost It" issue of People Magazine in 2009?
Yesterday was another success I guess. For most of the day I was with the closest thing I'll ever have to a sister. She is exactly who I need her to be in my life at any given moment. Currently, she is on a very restricted food plan so eating out yesterday was not going to happen. We didn't even entertain the idea because neither of us is eating! It couldn't have worked out better. It made not eating very easy. She is my voice of reason in very uncertain waters.
She's had gastric bypass, she was my sponsor when I did the 12 steps of Over Eaters Anonymous so my friend knows my shit. She knows me inside out and upside down and surprisingly enough, she still loves me! After 20+ years!
I ended up eating another peanut butter sandwich (what's with the peanut butter?) late yesterday afternoon and some carrots. I made the boys cheese ravioli w/ pepperoni and marinara sauce and shrimp scampi w/garlic bread. Oddly, not eating that food was pretty easy. I wasn't even tempted. As we do every night, all night long, Larry and I toss around the idea of ordering a veggie sub from Subway and then we don't. It's become routine and almost a joke between us.
I don't know why I don't see the last 10 days as more of a success than they are. I think that I've been wired for perfection so that anything less is a complete failure. I confessed my cheats to Ian and even he (my harshest critic) was encouraging and positive about my good choices. I wish I could cut myself some slack like that.
In the meantime, I'm dreaming of waking up in recovery with my band and the comfort of knowing that it's over, I did it. And my first steps toward (FINALLY) a life without the burden of being overweight. I'll always have a "weight problem" because it'll be something I work on every day but the difference between February 27th 2008 and February 27, 2007 is that I am (finally) doing something to change the reality of living as an obese person. And dreaming, or more like fantasizing about being on the cover of the "How I Lost It" issue of People Magazine in 2009?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
If Pre-Op Is Any Indication
I went for my pre-op tests this morning. If the admissions people, lab and x-ray techs are any indication of how my surgery is going to go, it should feel like a day at the spa complete with a happy ending. Everyone was enormously positive, patient and kind. So atypical of hospitals, everyone was in a good mood. I heard nothing but great things about my surgeon and found out that many people who work in the hospital have had the lap band procedure and are doing very well.
The liquid diet is holding it's own. I'm still not perfect but I DID weigh at the hospital and it appears that I have lost 4 pounds. It's a start and it better be a permanent loss.
Internets, if I start to lose focus or regain the weight I lose from this surgery, you have my permission to punch me right in the back of the neck. Seriously.
The urge to eat today is very strong. I feel like the end is SO close now that I could loosen up a bit and splurge. And that? Is exactly why I'm going forward with the surgery. My inner voice should be a high paid attorney or a used car salesman, it could talk a dying man into buying a lifetime subscription to a jelly of the month club. Yes superb idea to wreck my liver and stretch out my stomach 5.5 days before surgery. Actually, I could just go ahead and have a marshmallow wrapped in deep fried chicken fat with a stick of butter rolled in sugar for dessert. Not that I've ever done that, but I'm just sayin'.
The liquid diet is holding it's own. I'm still not perfect but I DID weigh at the hospital and it appears that I have lost 4 pounds. It's a start and it better be a permanent loss.
Internets, if I start to lose focus or regain the weight I lose from this surgery, you have my permission to punch me right in the back of the neck. Seriously.
The urge to eat today is very strong. I feel like the end is SO close now that I could loosen up a bit and splurge. And that? Is exactly why I'm going forward with the surgery. My inner voice should be a high paid attorney or a used car salesman, it could talk a dying man into buying a lifetime subscription to a jelly of the month club. Yes superb idea to wreck my liver and stretch out my stomach 5.5 days before surgery. Actually, I could just go ahead and have a marshmallow wrapped in deep fried chicken fat with a stick of butter rolled in sugar for dessert. Not that I've ever done that, but I'm just sayin'.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Game On!
I'm in! I'm gonna do it. No matter what my success or failure with the liquid diet, I know from my history that I need the band. It's my last chance at the life I've always wanted.
Game On!
Tomorrow I go for my pre-op testing, EKG, blood gas, chest x-ray etc, which makes this whole thing very real.
I haven't mentioned before that I have pretty severe post traumatic stress when it comes to surgery, no need for gory details other than to say that the last time I was under, I threw up on my anesthesiologist's new shoes, lost enough blood to require 4 blood transfusions and got pneumonia. I could really do without a repeat performance this time.
But, no matter what, I'm in. Six days and counting.
Oh, and as for the prior post about my weigh in? Let's forget I ever mentioned that.K?
Game On!
Tomorrow I go for my pre-op testing, EKG, blood gas, chest x-ray etc, which makes this whole thing very real.
I haven't mentioned before that I have pretty severe post traumatic stress when it comes to surgery, no need for gory details other than to say that the last time I was under, I threw up on my anesthesiologist's new shoes, lost enough blood to require 4 blood transfusions and got pneumonia. I could really do without a repeat performance this time.
But, no matter what, I'm in. Six days and counting.
Oh, and as for the prior post about my weigh in? Let's forget I ever mentioned that.K?
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Weekend Roundup
I broke my rule for not posting over on the bubble blog about my fasting/weight loss but somethings are just double entry worthy!!
As far as weight loss and fasting go, the weekend was a huge success. I had a fantastic baby spinach and vegetable salad yesterday along with some marinated garlic cloves and that was all the "food" I ate besides the optifast shakes, sugar free jello and chicken broth. I consider that a HUGE success considering that we were at the ball park for fourteen hours and oh the smell of grilled burgers and bbq was mouth watering! Not to mention everyone eating around me.
This afternoon I'm weighing myself. I need to start posting my weight here, or rather weight loss, I'm not sure if I'm ready to share with the entire internet my true current weight :) I'm afraid the blogsphere is just not ready for all of that.
Larry and I are having discussions about canceling our surgeries and just staying on the fast but we're still mulling it over at this point. It just seems SO do-able right now. Historically, I tend to self implode after a few weeks on any kind of diet. I'm taking that into consideration while I'm trying to figure out what to do.
I can't say that I'm craving anything anymore and for that, I am grateful. I could definitely go for another spinach salad though. It's funny to me how when you're not eating much of anything, even a good radish is satisfying.
I'll post tonight on the weight loss.
As far as weight loss and fasting go, the weekend was a huge success. I had a fantastic baby spinach and vegetable salad yesterday along with some marinated garlic cloves and that was all the "food" I ate besides the optifast shakes, sugar free jello and chicken broth. I consider that a HUGE success considering that we were at the ball park for fourteen hours and oh the smell of grilled burgers and bbq was mouth watering! Not to mention everyone eating around me.
This afternoon I'm weighing myself. I need to start posting my weight here, or rather weight loss, I'm not sure if I'm ready to share with the entire internet my true current weight :) I'm afraid the blogsphere is just not ready for all of that.
Larry and I are having discussions about canceling our surgeries and just staying on the fast but we're still mulling it over at this point. It just seems SO do-able right now. Historically, I tend to self implode after a few weeks on any kind of diet. I'm taking that into consideration while I'm trying to figure out what to do.
I can't say that I'm craving anything anymore and for that, I am grateful. I could definitely go for another spinach salad though. It's funny to me how when you're not eating much of anything, even a good radish is satisfying.
I'll post tonight on the weight loss.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Over The Hump (I think)
Finally, after day four, I am over the hump, for the most part. I don't feel panicked or resentful or terrified about not eating. It's becoming a habit, I guess.
Last night Larry and I had a conversation that went something like this:
L before bed: Do you need me to get you anything?
Me: Yes, a footlong veggie sub with extra mayo and salt and pepper
L: Oh, I could go for that, want me to run up and get us one?
L: It probably wouldn't hurt if we just did it once
Me: No
L: You sure?
Me: Yes, I'm actually sure.
And I was. Even if he brought it to me, I wouldn't eat it. I'm digging the water weight loss. I can see my ankles and my rings, WOW, they are almost too loose to wear safely. I keep feeling like they're going to fly off.
I feel a budding sense of strength and a kind of high from being able to resist. I think this is what gets people through fasting. I kind of get it now. The hunger doesn't own me anymore.
This morning, the sub doesn't even sound good.
At the risk of sharing too much information with the internet, I have to acknowledge too that everything coming out of me? smells better. Even my breath. So weird.
And, in the interest of rigorous honesty, I must also acknowledge that I did have my little cheats yesterday and probably will continue to have them but after being on the message boards with some of my Doctor's lap band recipients I was comforted by their thoughts on the fast and that they also had their cheat foods. I AM NOT ALONE!!
Things are definitely looking up.
Today I am prepared for a long day of baseball and I am not afraid.
Last night Larry and I had a conversation that went something like this:
L before bed: Do you need me to get you anything?
Me: Yes, a footlong veggie sub with extra mayo and salt and pepper
L: Oh, I could go for that, want me to run up and get us one?
L: It probably wouldn't hurt if we just did it once
Me: No
L: You sure?
Me: Yes, I'm actually sure.
And I was. Even if he brought it to me, I wouldn't eat it. I'm digging the water weight loss. I can see my ankles and my rings, WOW, they are almost too loose to wear safely. I keep feeling like they're going to fly off.
I feel a budding sense of strength and a kind of high from being able to resist. I think this is what gets people through fasting. I kind of get it now. The hunger doesn't own me anymore.
This morning, the sub doesn't even sound good.
At the risk of sharing too much information with the internet, I have to acknowledge too that everything coming out of me? smells better. Even my breath. So weird.
And, in the interest of rigorous honesty, I must also acknowledge that I did have my little cheats yesterday and probably will continue to have them but after being on the message boards with some of my Doctor's lap band recipients I was comforted by their thoughts on the fast and that they also had their cheat foods. I AM NOT ALONE!!
Things are definitely looking up.
Today I am prepared for a long day of baseball and I am not afraid.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The End Of Day Four
Actually a much better day up to about 4:30. Real hunger set it. I kept busy all day but once things started winding down, I got very hungry. Tried all the tricks, broth, jello, another shake, a big glass of water but I just couldn't shake it. I broke out the carrots, carefully measured out 1 tablespoon of ranch dressing and felt much better afterwards.
Even took Ian to Sonic for a quick bite before Braden's baseball practice and ordered nothing more than a diet Dr. Pepper.
I made myself 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich which is currently sitting on my nightstand, 2/3 uneaten. I feel really good. Very strong. I have a tremendous support system between my friends, my Mom and my boys (including Larry).
I've noticed that my face isn't as puffy and my rings are definitely twirling on my fingers. Can't wait to tally up the loss next Monday!!
Even took Ian to Sonic for a quick bite before Braden's baseball practice and ordered nothing more than a diet Dr. Pepper.
I made myself 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich which is currently sitting on my nightstand, 2/3 uneaten. I feel really good. Very strong. I have a tremendous support system between my friends, my Mom and my boys (including Larry).
I've noticed that my face isn't as puffy and my rings are definitely twirling on my fingers. Can't wait to tally up the loss next Monday!!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Out On The Table
After 3 full days on the liquid diet, I'd give myself a score of 6 out of a possible 10. Perfection seems unobtainable. I haven't had a perfect day, yet. I think my cheat choices have been reasonable and for that, I give myself the 6. Boiled eggs, whole grain bread, organic peanut butter, carrots and fat free ranch dressing.
Possibly the hardest thing I've done in a very long time. The anguish and void left by the absence of food is overwhelming. The temptations and fantasies of eating are tormenting me. Resistance is a mental white knuckle grip.
This weekend may be my biggest challenge yet. A full two days of non stop baseball confronted with people eating snacks, kids eating junk food and being away from my comfort zone, home.
I've prepared for it by buying an insulated bag for my optifast drinks and of course, our cooler will be full of sugar free jello. I actually like the jello and the Popsicles but the nutrisweet is kicking my ass. I'm not a big artificial sweetener user so I'm having wicked headaches and diarrhea. The least of my worries however.
I've noticed a big decline in the need for insulin and my blood sugars are staying pretty close to normal without many bolus doses through the day. A plus for sure.
It has been infinitely easier to keep somewhat focused and determined with Larry doing the fast with me. I'm bowled over by his selflessness in deciding to do this with me, even though he doesn't really have to. When he prepares for his surgery, he'll have to do the two week fast all over again. I'm incredibly lucky to have him on my side.
The boys have been so great too. Asking me how I am, how it's going and understanding why we don't join them at the dinner table. We've always been adamant about eating as a family every night so this is a big change for them. But they get it. And they know it's only temporary.
I plan to use this blog for dumping the shit of the day. A place for being accountable for my success and progress and especially for the bad choices I am bound to make. Here I can write ad nauseum and keep this topic separate from Bubble Writes.
What I wanted today but didn't eat:
Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin
Pizza
Buckeyes
Almonds
Coke
Bacon
Butter
Mayonnaise
I have two more "shakes" to drink before bed which should satisfy me until morning.
Tomorrow is another opportunity to get it right and get my body in pristine condition for the surgery and the months of food restriction and weight loss to follow.
I CAN DO THIS!!!!
Surgery date is now a mere 11 days away. February 26th to be exact.
Possibly the hardest thing I've done in a very long time. The anguish and void left by the absence of food is overwhelming. The temptations and fantasies of eating are tormenting me. Resistance is a mental white knuckle grip.
This weekend may be my biggest challenge yet. A full two days of non stop baseball confronted with people eating snacks, kids eating junk food and being away from my comfort zone, home.
I've prepared for it by buying an insulated bag for my optifast drinks and of course, our cooler will be full of sugar free jello. I actually like the jello and the Popsicles but the nutrisweet is kicking my ass. I'm not a big artificial sweetener user so I'm having wicked headaches and diarrhea. The least of my worries however.
I've noticed a big decline in the need for insulin and my blood sugars are staying pretty close to normal without many bolus doses through the day. A plus for sure.
It has been infinitely easier to keep somewhat focused and determined with Larry doing the fast with me. I'm bowled over by his selflessness in deciding to do this with me, even though he doesn't really have to. When he prepares for his surgery, he'll have to do the two week fast all over again. I'm incredibly lucky to have him on my side.
The boys have been so great too. Asking me how I am, how it's going and understanding why we don't join them at the dinner table. We've always been adamant about eating as a family every night so this is a big change for them. But they get it. And they know it's only temporary.
I plan to use this blog for dumping the shit of the day. A place for being accountable for my success and progress and especially for the bad choices I am bound to make. Here I can write ad nauseum and keep this topic separate from Bubble Writes.
What I wanted today but didn't eat:
Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin
Pizza
Buckeyes
Almonds
Coke
Bacon
Butter
Mayonnaise
I have two more "shakes" to drink before bed which should satisfy me until morning.
Tomorrow is another opportunity to get it right and get my body in pristine condition for the surgery and the months of food restriction and weight loss to follow.
I CAN DO THIS!!!!
Surgery date is now a mere 11 days away. February 26th to be exact.
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