Hi, I'm Pam, I weigh 258 pounds and I'm a size 18/20. I no longer weigh a staggering 302 pounds and I am no longer the largest size they carry at the Fat Lady's clothing store.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around these facts about me. I'm still 302 pounds in my head. I wonder if I always will be. I've heard other people who've lost weight say that they always feel fat not matter how much weight they lose. I guess after carrying around all this weight for all these years, I will have to remind myself that I am no longer that person.
I finally got to move the big weight on the scale!! I know, it's about time. But it felt good. It also felt good to try on a top that I bought a few weeks ago that was too small and have it fit. Size 18/20. I'm 18 pound away from being the weight I was when I met my husband 8 years ago. I was pretty happy at that weight but I know that it's not where I'm going to stop my weight loss journey. Once and for all, I want to be a "normal" weight. Not a thick chick weight or a slightly BBW weight, just an average weight. Not too big and not too small, just right. I would imagine that weight to be around 175 or 170 but I will only know when I get there.
For now, I am trying to wrap my mind around, to accept the fact that I am a healthy distance from 300 pounds and that the scale IS moving in the right direction every week. My second fill is coming up which will produce even more results. It's like, wow! this is really REALLY happening. In a blink of an eye it seems that I've lost a toddler!! 44 pounds. 44 pounds I'm not sorry to see go.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The Weighting Game
I'm still stuck at 1/2 a pound over getting into the next set of 10's. I've been out of my water pills for 3 days and I noticed an increase in the denting in my shins so, I'm hoping that's all it is.
I'm taking too many liberties with my band. Too many carbs, probably eating too much at each sitting.
I'm still frustrated that after shelling out so much money for the surgery I'm having to rely more and more on my own will power which I definitely do not have an abundance of to begin with.
My next fill is May 5th. I want about a gallon of saline this time. More than 4ccs, that's for sure.
I need dainty eating habits. Like a little bird. I want to know at the end of the day, I've barely eaten a thing and I'm full. I have the whole restraint thing down but I'd like a little back up.
The time for real work has set in. The initial thrill of the surgery is over. It's time to lay down some life long habits. Like the water and vitamins in the morning. I'm even almost forgetting to start my day with my hand full of supplements including those very important water pills.
I DO want this. I need to maintain that burning passion for health and for a normal weight. I'm thankfully headed in the right direction but I feel like a detour is always lurking right around the corner. God, it's so easy to fall right back into old eating habits, that mindless nibbling, the bullshit justifications for eating even when I'm not hungry, for listening to my head instead of the rest of my body. Eat when hungry and eat what's good for it. Protein, lean meats specifically, vegetables. The cavemen had it right.
I swam yesterday, with the hope that it would ease the pain in my hip but ALSO for the movement. I really enjoyed it but that bowflex bastard in the garage is really what I should be spending time with. That is, after we blow the dust off of it.
Tomorrow is a road trip day. I WILL make good choices. I've made no secret about my food plan so being with good friends helps keep me honest. There's no reason why healthy and accommodating food can't be found under any circumstance. How hard is it to find a damn chicken breast.
I'm going to make it. I've made great strides already. It's too late to go back to eating McDonald's breakfast and fat laden crap. It's too late for high sugar low protein snacks and Christ almighty, it's definitely too late to climb back into the 300 pound range. And yeah, if you have even rudimentary math skills, you can figure out for yourself (if it really means that much to you) how much I weighed at my top weight. That's as close as I'll come to posting actual numbers, for now.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Surprise Outcome
I've been avoiding the scale since I weighed last week. Being at the baseball tournament all weekend made me insecure about my success.
I'd rather not give so much power to the scale but let's face it: It is the proof, indisputable proof of whether or not I am doing what I should be doing. Either right or wrong. If the damn thing moves in the wrong direction, I could potentially be in a funk over it all day. Even a quarter pound gain is enough to suck the happy right out of my day.
Eating out is something I enjoy but I can never be sure what EXACTLY is going in to the food I order. Too much salt? Too much sugar in the sauce? Who knows. And we did a lot of eating out over the weekend.
But, I am one half pound away from moving into the next set of 10's!!!!!!!!!!! By the end of the week I should be able to move the "big" weight over one more and start watching the little weight make it's way down from 9 to 1. Another set of 10's down, only 6 (ok maybe 7) more to go.
I wish I was comfortable enough to just post the actual numbers already but I find the actuality of it so appalling, like how did I get here? I just can't type the numbers. I imagine once I'm very, very far removed from these current numbers, I won't have a problem owning up to them here.
For today, I'm happy to report that one more 1/2 pound loss will put me into that next set of 10s. I'm thrilled.
I'd rather not give so much power to the scale but let's face it: It is the proof, indisputable proof of whether or not I am doing what I should be doing. Either right or wrong. If the damn thing moves in the wrong direction, I could potentially be in a funk over it all day. Even a quarter pound gain is enough to suck the happy right out of my day.
Eating out is something I enjoy but I can never be sure what EXACTLY is going in to the food I order. Too much salt? Too much sugar in the sauce? Who knows. And we did a lot of eating out over the weekend.
But, I am one half pound away from moving into the next set of 10's!!!!!!!!!!! By the end of the week I should be able to move the "big" weight over one more and start watching the little weight make it's way down from 9 to 1. Another set of 10's down, only 6 (ok maybe 7) more to go.
I wish I was comfortable enough to just post the actual numbers already but I find the actuality of it so appalling, like how did I get here? I just can't type the numbers. I imagine once I'm very, very far removed from these current numbers, I won't have a problem owning up to them here.
For today, I'm happy to report that one more 1/2 pound loss will put me into that next set of 10s. I'm thrilled.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Monday Morning Retrospect
I took a lot of liberties with my band this weekend. They were all "ok" things to eat. I stuck to salads w/ grilled protein but I also stretched the boundaries with some fried cheese. Yes, cheese is technically a protein but I should have chosen an alternative to the fried part. I also think I ate more than 2 oz at a sitting. I'm ordering a food scale so that I can be sure about portion control. If you've never tried it? The lime-chili marinated chicken salad on the AppleBee's Weight Watchers menu is FANTASTIC!! I ate it twice this weekend. Ya know, all in all, for having to be at a baseball field for 3 days straight, Larry and I did pretty well actually. We boycotted the concession stand and ate healthy. Yeah, at first I was like, "whoa dude, we ate too much this weekend" but considering the circumstances we were faced with, I think we did rather well. We keep striving for this illusive perfection and really we should congratulate each other on making good choices.
I acknowledge that we might have eaten a bit too much of the good stuff but we did leave the junk alone.
I think part of this journey is cementing good habits while you are traveling down the scale. Things that will be a permanent part of my lifestyle. For instance: I now crave a crystal light energy water in the morning. I like it in the same cup with the same amount of ice, along with my handfull of vitamins. That's a good habit to be in. And if I can't have it, I don't function as well during the day. I really get that the water intake is paramount. And I'm to the point now where I feel like I want to really implement good habits to safe guard permanent weight loss. I am deathly afraid of being one of those people who got the surgery only to regain all the weight and end up with no options for weight loss. I don't want that to be me.
Have you ever noticed that the words think and thin are just one letter different? Interesting...
I acknowledge that we might have eaten a bit too much of the good stuff but we did leave the junk alone.
I think part of this journey is cementing good habits while you are traveling down the scale. Things that will be a permanent part of my lifestyle. For instance: I now crave a crystal light energy water in the morning. I like it in the same cup with the same amount of ice, along with my handfull of vitamins. That's a good habit to be in. And if I can't have it, I don't function as well during the day. I really get that the water intake is paramount. And I'm to the point now where I feel like I want to really implement good habits to safe guard permanent weight loss. I am deathly afraid of being one of those people who got the surgery only to regain all the weight and end up with no options for weight loss. I don't want that to be me.
Have you ever noticed that the words think and thin are just one letter different? Interesting...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Fill Part 2
I've been "snugged up" per my surgeon. The fill was definitely not worth all the worry and sleep loss. It was easy. I drank the water, he put in the saline until I felt full and then he stopped. 4CCs of saline and I'm all set for a month of restriction.
I've lost 11 pound since my last check up 3 weeks ago and my surgeon was very happy with me.
I'm moving on to high protein low carb REAL food now. Chicken and vegetables and meat!! No more creamy and smooth.
I'm a little scared to let go of all the cottage cheese and tomato soup but I need to move on to real food and begin living life as a banded person. And as a normal weighted person.
I'm 34 pounds down as of yesterday. The band is working. For the first time in my entire life as a fat person, I feel my old life and what defined who I am slipping away. I will still be me but without any exceptions. Without any excuses. I won't be a pretty face or a shame. As in, it's a shame she's so fat, she'd be pretty if she lost weight. The monkey will forever be off my back.
I refuse to focus on anything but the recent past. The goals already met and the life I choose to live every time I wake up. Nothing matters but today. The "goal weight" will reveal it's self in good time. But today, I am the very best me, 34 pounds less of something I was.
Today I tried chunks of chicken, green beans and salad for lunch. I ate 3 pepperoni slices for dinner but at 9:20 I am hungry. Protein and low carb. 2 oz of cheese or maybe some chicken again.
For the next few days it will all be an experiment to see what goes down easy and what my band rejects. I'm excited (and scared) to be entering this phase of the process. All of the initial work is behind me and these next few days will set the tone for how I will eat for the rest of my life.
I've lost 11 pound since my last check up 3 weeks ago and my surgeon was very happy with me.
I'm moving on to high protein low carb REAL food now. Chicken and vegetables and meat!! No more creamy and smooth.
I'm a little scared to let go of all the cottage cheese and tomato soup but I need to move on to real food and begin living life as a banded person. And as a normal weighted person.
I'm 34 pounds down as of yesterday. The band is working. For the first time in my entire life as a fat person, I feel my old life and what defined who I am slipping away. I will still be me but without any exceptions. Without any excuses. I won't be a pretty face or a shame. As in, it's a shame she's so fat, she'd be pretty if she lost weight. The monkey will forever be off my back.
I refuse to focus on anything but the recent past. The goals already met and the life I choose to live every time I wake up. Nothing matters but today. The "goal weight" will reveal it's self in good time. But today, I am the very best me, 34 pounds less of something I was.
Today I tried chunks of chicken, green beans and salad for lunch. I ate 3 pepperoni slices for dinner but at 9:20 I am hungry. Protein and low carb. 2 oz of cheese or maybe some chicken again.
For the next few days it will all be an experiment to see what goes down easy and what my band rejects. I'm excited (and scared) to be entering this phase of the process. All of the initial work is behind me and these next few days will set the tone for how I will eat for the rest of my life.
Friday, April 4, 2008
"THE FILL"
Here's how it works: The band that was placed around my stomach has very small bubbles around the inside of it, like this:
There is a very small port in my abdomen just under my skin which has a very small tube attached to it which leads to the band's bubbles. The doctor will access the port and with a needle filled with saline, he will "fill" the bubbles which will make the band tighter around my stomach. Each time I get a fill, the band gets tighter and tighter around my stomach increasing the restriction of the amount of food I can eat. If I'm not losing weight, I can get a fill and keep getting them and increasing the restriction to help with weight loss. The bubbles can hold a lot of fluid so I have a lot of room to tighten. God, this all sounds kind of backwards.
The part that scares me is that I have to drink a ton of water while he fills the bubbles until I feel like I can't breathe, then he backs out a bit of fluid until I feel relief and that's how he knows he's got the right amount of saline in.
The needle doesn't scare me thanks to my many years as a diabetic giving myself multiple shots daily. The panic feeling of the pressure of the water and the panic of feeling like I can't breathe has me a little nervous.
I think the science behind this whole band thing is pretty cool. I mean, hell if the band, completely empty is helping me lose weight already, think of the losses I'll get when the little bubbles are filled!!
So Monday is the big day! The only drawback is that for 48 hours after the fill, I'm back on clear liquids, a mini suckfest compared to the 2 week suckfest of clear liquids I just completed.
As an aside, I'm happy to report that this morning, I got down into the next set of 10's on the scale. Only by a half a pound but still, I met that little goal and for that, I'm grateful.
I bought some herbal water pills at the medicine shop yesterday and so far, they're really helping. I think we might need a new well dug I've flushed the toilet so much in the last 30 or so hours. But I'm not waking up with fluid in my hands.
I also noticed that my toe rings are spinning around my toes, maybe it's time for me to step into 2008 and lose the toe jewelry all together.
There is a very small port in my abdomen just under my skin which has a very small tube attached to it which leads to the band's bubbles. The doctor will access the port and with a needle filled with saline, he will "fill" the bubbles which will make the band tighter around my stomach. Each time I get a fill, the band gets tighter and tighter around my stomach increasing the restriction of the amount of food I can eat. If I'm not losing weight, I can get a fill and keep getting them and increasing the restriction to help with weight loss. The bubbles can hold a lot of fluid so I have a lot of room to tighten. God, this all sounds kind of backwards.
The part that scares me is that I have to drink a ton of water while he fills the bubbles until I feel like I can't breathe, then he backs out a bit of fluid until I feel relief and that's how he knows he's got the right amount of saline in.
The needle doesn't scare me thanks to my many years as a diabetic giving myself multiple shots daily. The panic feeling of the pressure of the water and the panic of feeling like I can't breathe has me a little nervous.
I think the science behind this whole band thing is pretty cool. I mean, hell if the band, completely empty is helping me lose weight already, think of the losses I'll get when the little bubbles are filled!!
So Monday is the big day! The only drawback is that for 48 hours after the fill, I'm back on clear liquids, a mini suckfest compared to the 2 week suckfest of clear liquids I just completed.
As an aside, I'm happy to report that this morning, I got down into the next set of 10's on the scale. Only by a half a pound but still, I met that little goal and for that, I'm grateful.
I bought some herbal water pills at the medicine shop yesterday and so far, they're really helping. I think we might need a new well dug I've flushed the toilet so much in the last 30 or so hours. But I'm not waking up with fluid in my hands.
I also noticed that my toe rings are spinning around my toes, maybe it's time for me to step into 2008 and lose the toe jewelry all together.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Figuring Out The Right Formula
I'm still being harassed by the edema in my legs and hands. I thought I had the problem licked with taking the extra potassium but the water found it's way back to frustrate the hell out of me. I "know" I'm losing weight. I mean, how could I not? I'm drinking the required gallon of water every day, eating low carb/no carb and the amount of food I'm taking in is astoundingly low. Typically my day looks like this:
No breakfast or a can of low sodium V8
Lunch: Some kind of soup, preferably vegetarian low sodium vegatable soup with chicken or tuna salad.
Dinner: a scoop of guacamole or more soup. Some days it's a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese or some warmed brie.
Occasionally I'll splurge with a 1/2 slice of flax seed wheat bread with a smear of peanut butter. And by a smear? I mean if it's more than an 1/8th of a tablespoon, I'll kiss your ass.
I cut out the yogurt, too much sugar. And holy jesus I haven't had even a sip of milk in more than 8 weeks.
And the scale? It's not reflecting the loss like I think it should!!! I want left movement every day. Is that so much to ask? I guess it is because it's not happening. I need it to move into the next set of 10's. I'm almost there, one more pound and a half and I'll be in that next set. I can't be too specific about the numbers. If I actually posted my actual weight, it would cause you to think, 'Oh my God, do people NOT on the discovery channel's fattest person in the world really weigh THAT much?' 'How does she live with herself knowing she is THAT fat?'. So I'll leave it at I just need to get into that next set of 10's.
I weighed myself this morning before and after taking a long awaited (3 days ok?) poop. I figured hell, a poop that big must weigh at least a pound based on the splash it made in the toilet water but guess what? Even a three day accumulated poop only weighed 1/3 of a pound.
So, my latest idea is to add in a water pill and I cut out the crystal lite powder fearing the sodium in it was adding to my water retention problem. That's on top of the potassium, multi vitamin, tums and pain medication I'm taking so I can keep moving.
Only 4 more days until my fill. I'm nervous and worried it will hurt but my sister is going with me. What's that you say? Pam, you're an only child you silly girl. Well, not any more. My best friend is my sister. From now on. I'm convinced of it and you can't tell me any different. So? My sister is going with me to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok.
No breakfast or a can of low sodium V8
Lunch: Some kind of soup, preferably vegetarian low sodium vegatable soup with chicken or tuna salad.
Dinner: a scoop of guacamole or more soup. Some days it's a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese or some warmed brie.
Occasionally I'll splurge with a 1/2 slice of flax seed wheat bread with a smear of peanut butter. And by a smear? I mean if it's more than an 1/8th of a tablespoon, I'll kiss your ass.
I cut out the yogurt, too much sugar. And holy jesus I haven't had even a sip of milk in more than 8 weeks.
And the scale? It's not reflecting the loss like I think it should!!! I want left movement every day. Is that so much to ask? I guess it is because it's not happening. I need it to move into the next set of 10's. I'm almost there, one more pound and a half and I'll be in that next set. I can't be too specific about the numbers. If I actually posted my actual weight, it would cause you to think, 'Oh my God, do people NOT on the discovery channel's fattest person in the world really weigh THAT much?' 'How does she live with herself knowing she is THAT fat?'. So I'll leave it at I just need to get into that next set of 10's.
I weighed myself this morning before and after taking a long awaited (3 days ok?) poop. I figured hell, a poop that big must weigh at least a pound based on the splash it made in the toilet water but guess what? Even a three day accumulated poop only weighed 1/3 of a pound.
So, my latest idea is to add in a water pill and I cut out the crystal lite powder fearing the sodium in it was adding to my water retention problem. That's on top of the potassium, multi vitamin, tums and pain medication I'm taking so I can keep moving.
Only 4 more days until my fill. I'm nervous and worried it will hurt but my sister is going with me. What's that you say? Pam, you're an only child you silly girl. Well, not any more. My best friend is my sister. From now on. I'm convinced of it and you can't tell me any different. So? My sister is going with me to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok.
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