Dear Blog

Dear Blog,
As your owner, I am afraid that I have really let you down. I've neglected you, left you in the corner to collect dust while I sat in grumpy silence on my little weight loss plateau. I am sorry.
The truth is, I wasn't exactly hiding from you but I was just a bit pissed at the lack of progress on our little journey together. Totally me, it wasn't you at all. I don't want to quit you Blog. I really don't.
I actually do better when I faithfully write to you each and every day, it keeps me honest and it's a great way to chronicle our progress, or lack there of.
But today, I have a surprise for you!! I lost 4.5 pounds over the weekend!! It seems that Larry's surgery has helped me, along with helping him. It feels like we're in this thing together and in support of his first week after surgery (you remember that dark time when we had to endure clear liquids for two weeks?) I am eating less and eating better. And low and behold! it works when you work it. I broke my plateau and couldn't wait to share it with you, my faithful blog.
I promise not to neglect you for that "other" blog ever again. I shall write you at least every other day, if not every day. The good the bad the ugly and the great.
So, cold hard facts: Down 61 pounds from my top weight last November!! I've moved out of another set of 10s (the 50s) and into the 40s. Drinking more water, and substituting my usual 1/2 a slice of bread w/ peanut butter at bed time for 3 scrambled egg whites. Which I've found that I absolutely LOVE! I scramble them up and top them off with a pinch of sea salt and ground italian herbs. DELISH!! And so super healthy. And you and I both know, all the bad stuff in the eggs is in the yellow part which promptly goes down the garbage disposal. I also asked the waiter at California Pizza Kitchen to please put 1/2 of my miso salad in a to go box and then couldn't even finish my 1/2 of a 1/2. SCORE!!
Aren't you proud? Do you accept my apology? Oh and here's a bit more good news! To celebrate my recent success AND to assuage my frustration over my bad experience this morning at the vital statistics office (see: down computers and fifty gazillion people in line ahead of me) I took myself shopping and had to make two trips to the dressing room after size 20 pants were hanging on me. I "could" have squeezed into 16's but chose just 2 pair of size 18 shorts just to get me through 10 more pounds down to the 16s. How's that for make up blogging?
I'm teetering on moving into size 16 tops but not just yet. Soon my friend though, soon. And then? We'll have to say goodbye to our old friends at the Fat Lady Store. Once I'm out of 14's there will be nothing else in the store that fits. On to reality shopping.
I'm glad we could come to terms with my neglectful blogging and I won't let it happen again.
Love,
Your Author.

Wednesday May 7th, 2008

Current weight: 253. Down from 257 on Monday. I have NO idea how that happened. Except maybe getting my period had something to do with it but that happened last night. It seems like I lose weight in chunks. As in, I'll go a week with no loss and then suddenly, the scale will reflect a 3-4 pound loss!! 

However it happens, I'm completely grateful for the success and don't want it to ever stop. Aside from constantly having to change out clothes because the 22 pants that I bought three weeks ago are now too big and the 18's I just bought recently will be too big in a week or two, I am loving every moment of this process.

The band really works. I saw proof of it last night. I had 4 slices of cheese and 3 slices of deli chicken for dinner. I decided later on that night to have some mini rice cakes and pretzels. After 2 rice cakes my stomach started hurting and I couldn't eat another bite. Finally, the band is working for me and I don't have to rely completely on my own will power. 

Larry thinks my top weight was more like 308 not 302 so "technically" I am down 55 pounds as of today. 

Fill Number Two

On May 5th, I had my second fill. According to my doctor's records, I've lost 10 pounds since my last visit. He was very pleased with my progress and congratulated me for doing something that 97% of all overweight people in the world can't do: Get The Weight Off.
This fill I can really feel. Even when I sip water it takes a good 10 second for the water to filter down through the band. I'm chewing even more carefully and eating very little. High protein and the usual, no carbs.
My expectations are that with every fill I should be able to feel full faster with less food and feel full longer. Resulting in more weight loss.
I suspect that I will need to lose at least another 60 pounds before I will feel satisfied with my weight but I wouldn't mind losing another 100.
I took my 14 year old son to see Eric Clapton over the weekend. At the ford amphitheater the seats were very narrow. And the walk was long from the parking lot. If this concert had been scheduled before March 4th, 2008, there would have been no way I could have walked from the parking lot much less fit into the seat with another person on either side of me. Last year, I would have required buying 2 tickets to be sure no one elses personal space was crowded by all of me spilling over my seat.
A recent reader asked me for some feedback on my decision to have the surgery. S2 this is for you: I have no doubt in my mind that this surgery was thee best thing I have ever done. I have absolutely no regrets and am certain that I would never have been able to get the weight off on my own. I needed this. And only with my band will I live longer, live happier and live life to the fullest. I would encourage, STRONGLY encourage anyone who's even thinking about it to do it. My husband is having it on May 20th. I can't wait until he feels the freedom from obesessive and compulsive eating. It's a great feeling.

Just More Of The Same

Nothing new in the weight loss world, just more of the same. Two more pounds lost, eating protein, drinking water blah blah blah....
With the exception of learning the difference between head hunger and real hunger. My head, apparently unconnected with my stomach whispers seductive suggestions of things to eat ALL.THE.TIME. But my stomach, if it could voice an opinion, would say 'but I'm not feeling empty so no food is necessary at this time, thank you'. My brain, being the big bully tries to force food on the poor unsuspecting stomach who's trying to get used to it's new accessory, the band. It's a constant struggle. A tootsie pop would be so good right about now, but the stomach and for that matter, the rest of my body doesn't need anything contained in the tootsie pop including the 60 empty calories of pure refined sugar. Ok, how about a peanut butter sandwich? A better choice but I'm supposed to be doing low to NO carbs. Last time I checked, and my brain should know this, bread wasn't a protein. It'd be nice if it was though, wouldn't it? Peanut butter is ok. Cottage cheese would be a good choice but those don't hold quite the allure of the sugar and starch now do they? No.
So, while my stomach and brain duke it out, I try to remind myself to stay focused and be strong. The outcome will be spectacular and worth it.
Next fill is in 3 days!

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hi, I'm Pam, I weigh 258 pounds and I'm a size 18/20. I no longer weigh a staggering 302 pounds and I am no longer the largest size they carry at the Fat Lady's clothing store.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around these facts about me. I'm still 302 pounds in my head. I wonder if I always will be. I've heard other people who've lost weight say that they always feel fat not matter how much weight they lose. I guess after carrying around all this weight for all these years, I will have to remind myself that I am no longer that person.
I finally got to move the big weight on the scale!! I know, it's about time. But it felt good. It also felt good to try on a top that I bought a few weeks ago that was too small and have it fit. Size 18/20. I'm 18 pound away from being the weight I was when I met my husband 8 years ago. I was pretty happy at that weight but I know that it's not where I'm going to stop my weight loss journey. Once and for all, I want to be a "normal" weight. Not a thick chick weight or a slightly BBW weight, just an average weight. Not too big and not too small, just right. I would imagine that weight to be around 175 or 170 but I will only know when I get there.
For now, I am trying to wrap my mind around, to accept the fact that I am a healthy distance from 300 pounds and that the scale IS moving in the right direction every week. My second fill is coming up which will produce even more results. It's like, wow! this is really REALLY happening. In a blink of an eye it seems that I've lost a toddler!! 44 pounds. 44 pounds I'm not sorry to see go.

The Weighting Game

I'm still stuck at 1/2 a pound over getting into the next set of 10's. I've been out of my water pills for 3 days and I noticed an increase in the denting in my shins so, I'm hoping that's all it is. 

I'm taking too many liberties with my band. Too many carbs, probably eating too much at each sitting. 

I'm still frustrated that after shelling out so much money for the surgery I'm having to rely more and more on my own will power which I definitely do not have an abundance of to begin with.

My next fill is May 5th. I want about a gallon of saline this time. More than 4ccs, that's for sure.

I need dainty eating habits. Like a little bird. I want to know at the end of the day, I've barely eaten a thing and I'm full. I have the whole restraint thing down but I'd like a little back up.

The time for real work has set in. The initial thrill of the surgery is over. It's time to lay down some life long habits. Like the water and vitamins in the morning. I'm even almost forgetting to start my day with my hand full of supplements including those very important water pills.

I DO want this. I need to maintain that burning passion for health and for a normal weight. I'm thankfully headed in the right direction but I feel like a detour is always lurking right around the corner. God, it's so easy to fall right back into old eating habits, that mindless nibbling, the bullshit justifications for eating even when I'm not hungry, for listening to my head instead of the rest of my body. Eat when hungry and eat what's good for it. Protein, lean meats specifically, vegetables. The cavemen had it right. 

I swam yesterday, with the hope that it would ease the pain in my hip but ALSO for the movement. I really enjoyed it but that bowflex bastard in the garage is really what I should be spending time with. That is, after we blow the dust off of it.

Tomorrow is a road trip day. I WILL make good choices. I've made no secret about my food plan so being with good friends helps keep me honest. There's no reason why healthy and accommodating food can't be found under any circumstance. How hard is it to find a damn chicken breast.

I'm going to make it. I've made great strides already. It's too late to go back to eating McDonald's breakfast and fat laden crap. It's too late for high sugar low protein snacks and Christ almighty, it's definitely too late to climb back into the 300 pound range. And yeah, if you have even rudimentary math skills, you can figure out for yourself (if it really means that much to you) how much I weighed at my top weight. That's as close as I'll come to posting actual numbers, for now.

Surprise Outcome

I've been avoiding the scale since I weighed last week. Being at the baseball tournament all weekend made me insecure about my success.
I'd rather not give so much power to the scale but let's face it: It is the proof, indisputable proof of whether or not I am doing what I should be doing. Either right or wrong. If the damn thing moves in the wrong direction, I could potentially be in a funk over it all day. Even a quarter pound gain is enough to suck the happy right out of my day.
Eating out is something I enjoy but I can never be sure what EXACTLY is going in to the food I order. Too much salt? Too much sugar in the sauce? Who knows. And we did a lot of eating out over the weekend.
But, I am one half pound away from moving into the next set of 10's!!!!!!!!!!! By the end of the week I should be able to move the "big" weight over one more and start watching the little weight make it's way down from 9 to 1. Another set of 10's down, only 6 (ok maybe 7) more to go.
I wish I was comfortable enough to just post the actual numbers already but I find the actuality of it so appalling, like how did I get here? I just can't type the numbers. I imagine once I'm very, very far removed from these current numbers, I won't have a problem owning up to them here.
For today, I'm happy to report that one more 1/2 pound loss will put me into that next set of 10s. I'm thrilled.