Rough Patch

Day 16 was rough friends. You all have been so kind and supportive, cheering me on and sending me kind words. And I've been so, well, so boastful about my achievements. I'm not sure who I feel worse for, me or you. I've let us down. I've had a rough day. Possibly due to my period being a day late; I just love the extended version of PMS. Hell, why not just be a week late so I can wallow in the bloating and food cravings longer. Shark week. I heard that phrase yesterday and thought it was funny.
Anyway, the day started out just fine. I had my 2 week post-op appointment. According to their scale, I've lost 8 pounds since surgery but somehow that doesn't correspond with my scale but whatever, 4 pounds a week is very good according to my Doctor. So, there's that and I made my appointment for my first fill, which is freaking me out. I'm scared of the fill. What if I throw up? What if things get stuck? I'm comfortable with my repertoire of food at the moment, with the exception of the cheating that's been going on today. I'm all over the place with my food and I can't seem to stop my hand to mouth disease. Lunch was actually fine, small cup of chicken soup broth and 1/2 a cup of chicken salad finely diced. But then, all hell broke loose this afternoon and tonight. A maple scone, 2 bites of some cheese bread, too much brie after dinner and even though I had tomato soup for dinner, I had a blood sugar low after Braden's baseball game and used it to my full advantage and justified another bowl of butternut squash soup. Ok, no this wasn't like, a large extra cheese pizza and a hot fudge sundae but this bullshit is exactly how binging starts and "technically" I'm still supposed to be on all liquids, I've just been graduated to all liquids not just the clear ones. With an eating disorder and food addictions, it's not about what you eat, it's about the fact that you're not abstaining and eating for emotional reasons not just to nourish your body. It's all wrong.
I'm not really doing myself any favors. The urge to eat the fucking paint off the walls and everything in between is maddening. I'm obsessing and I'm not exactly sure why. I know it's emotionally based and I really need to sit and figure out what's going on.
I won't lie and say everything is great and I'm doing fine while in reality this rough patch? it feels more like a meadow of stinging nettle.