Easter 2008

Easter was smooth sailing! I decided to restrict all food until our 3:00 dinner so that I could enjoy a relatively guilt free dinner with some enjoyable food. And, aside from a low sodium V8 juice (70 calories) around noon, that's exactly what I did. At dinner I had 1 crab cake minus the crusty outside, a few bites of some sashimi tuna, 1/4 cup of cottage cheese and 1/2 a plain baked potato excluding skin. I was even strong enough to resist an offer of a bite of key lime pie (my favorite dessert).
At 8:00 I had a hard boiled egg and now I am having another V8.
I got the usual comments at dinner from extended family members, "I feel guilty eating in front of you!" "Is that ALL you're going to eat?". I hope I got the point across that it would make me feel terrible if I spoiled anyone's dinner by my choice to have this surgery and eat like I'm supposed to. I'd rather my dinner mates eat whatever they want, however much they want and understand that this was *my* choice, I WANT this.
Before I wrote this post, I acknowledged how well things had gone today and how the good feeling of a clean, abstinent day feels. It feels much better than the momentary feeling of satisfaction the food provides as it's going down.
If only I could remember that. If only I could bottle that feeling and open it and feel how good it feels BEFORE I give in and eat something that I know isn't part of my plan.
Last week at my post op appointment my Doctor said I literally could go without ANY food until I reached my goal weight. I'm sorry? WHAT? Could you say that in my good ear because it sounded like you said I could go without food until I weigh 150 pounds. He explained that I have plenty of stored energy (my fat ass for instance) to sustain my life until it runs out and then I should be at whatever weight is right for my body.
So my daily goal is to live by those words. Of course I know I can't go entirely without food but if I can get as close to that goal as possible, imagine the results.
My period still hasn't arrived. Frankly, the unrealistic idea of actually accidentally being pregnant has crossed my mind but more importantly, I want it to come and go so I can stop playing with the scale waiting for the pre period weight gain to stop messing with my head.
I'm one second away from a screw up at all times. I know this. I'm arming myself with as much ammo to fight off the urges successfully. My best friend and I (who also had gastric bypass surgery) are going to start going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Just like AA, OA is a place to find abstinence and sobriety from compulsive eating. I actually met my BFF at an OA meeting, she became my sponsor and has been, for the past 20 years, my biggest supporter. Sure we give each other tough love and call each other on the bull we try and pull to get to eat but we're closer than sisters. I feel that she is part of my heart, part of me. She knows me better than anyone else, even my Mother. There are things she just intuitively understands about food addiction, about my personality and about what drives me to be who I am. We practice rigorous honesty with each other; it sometimes stings but it's what we need to achieve our goals and maintain our sobriety. For us, it's not just a diet. As ball breaking as it is, this 12 step program? It's also equally as rewarding.
Even though I had success today, that doesn't ensure a repeat tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I have to recommit myself to 24 hours of clean eating. And then, I have to do it all over again. Amen.