Hey Bright Side?

Would you come sit by me for a little while? I could use your optimism for a bit. Oh, don't get me wrong, I appreciate being able to just lay around and have people wait on me all day, checking my vitals, bringing me food and medicine and all but dammit I really wanted to be done with my surgery at this point. 

Good news is, I'm down 11.5 pounds thanks to the craptastic food here and my inability to access the snack machine on the first floor. And if I had something brewing, aka a bacterial infection, now would be the time to catch it, kill it and then go cutting me open. 

For all the times I've been in the hospital, this is the first time that missing my family has hit me this hard. Before, I was grateful for the break and kind of enjoyed sleeping whenever I wanted and the afore mentioned having my meals brought to me but last night during an episode of Sponge Bob, aptly titled BubbleStand, my boys crawled up onto my hospital bed and snuggled in with me. The missing them part hit me, and hit me hard. When a snarly 13 year old will snuggle with his Momma and actually have the words, I miss you spring forth from his mouth you know that you are missed. And that you miss them back. Braden was his usual lovey self and I ate up every minute, kissing his face off before it was time for them to leave for the night.  I was grateful for the 4 hours Larry was able to spend with me yesterday afternoon, even if we both slept through most of the visit and I kissed his face off a little bit too. Just knowing that he could have been home in our comfy bed napping but chose to keep me company instead made me feel better. And it made me miss him a little less.

Hopefully today will be my last day away from my boys. The infectious disease doctor said two more days but historically I go home after 48 hours of this shit and welcome back the chaos that is my "normal" life. Onward to next Tuesday when we'll try this great idea of weight loss surgery again.

Because I'm Lazy, click here to see what's up

Bubble Writes 

Oh, and thank you guys for stopping by to let me know that you're thinking about me, it makes me feel all giddy inside.

I Was Beginning To Wonder

After 10 days on the liquids, I was beginning to wonder if I was some weird freak of nature who, no matter what, could not lose weight. For the last few days, I just hadn't felt like I was losing any weight, in fact my rings weren't even loose anymore. In an earlier post I mentioned that it appeared that I'd lost 4 pounds. I chose the word appeared because the scale that reflected the loss wasn't the same scale I used to record my initial starting weight. I had weighed on a hospital scale which obviously sees a lot of bare feet and movement of the weights back and forth. So, it could have been light or heavy by a lot.
Today I weighed on the original scale. A doctor's scale which has sat, mocking me, for 30 years in my parent's laundry room. So, according to that scale I've lost 7.5 pounds. In case you missed the enormity of that, here it is again:

***********7.5 pounds*************

Can I get a HELL YEAH? 7.5 pounds in 10 days. I'll take that.
I can't describe the feeling of moving the weights a little to the left, a little more to the left and just a little more again!!!

Today was a very good day. Three protein drinks and (yes another) spinach salad. Good enough for me. I'm still amazed at the love I feel for a slice of fresh mushroom after nothing but the drinks all day. And I have a serious crush on yellow peppers. Radishes are also good company.

I got the all clear on my pre-op tests. Nothing in the lungs that shouldn't be there and all the blood was fine. Oh, and my heart is beating. Always a good sign.

Basically, 4 days and counting

Today is half over and Tuesday is THEE day so pretty much, I'm convinced that I only have 4 days left. Four days to rely on my own will (or lack of) to keep my hands off the doritos and out of the ice cream.
Yesterday was another success I guess. For most of the day I was with the closest thing I'll ever have to a sister. She is exactly who I need her to be in my life at any given moment. Currently, she is on a very restricted food plan so eating out yesterday was not going to happen. We didn't even entertain the idea because neither of us is eating! It couldn't have worked out better. It made not eating very easy. She is my voice of reason in very uncertain waters.
She's had gastric bypass, she was my sponsor when I did the 12 steps of Over Eaters Anonymous so my friend knows my shit. She knows me inside out and upside down and surprisingly enough, she still loves me! After 20+ years!
I ended up eating another peanut butter sandwich (what's with the peanut butter?) late yesterday afternoon and some carrots. I made the boys cheese ravioli w/ pepperoni and marinara sauce and shrimp scampi w/garlic bread. Oddly, not eating that food was pretty easy. I wasn't even tempted. As we do every night, all night long, Larry and I toss around the idea of ordering a veggie sub from Subway and then we don't. It's become routine and almost a joke between us.
I don't know why I don't see the last 10 days as more of a success than they are. I think that I've been wired for perfection so that anything less is a complete failure. I confessed my cheats to Ian and even he (my harshest critic) was encouraging and positive about my good choices. I wish I could cut myself some slack like that.
In the meantime, I'm dreaming of waking up in recovery with my band and the comfort of knowing that it's over, I did it. And my first steps toward (FINALLY) a life without the burden of being overweight. I'll always have a "weight problem" because it'll be something I work on every day but the difference between February 27th 2008 and February 27, 2007 is that I am (finally) doing something to change the reality of living as an obese person. And dreaming, or more like fantasizing about being on the cover of the "How I Lost It" issue of People Magazine in 2009?

If Pre-Op Is Any Indication

I went for my pre-op tests this morning. If the admissions people, lab and x-ray techs are any indication of how my surgery is going to go, it should feel like a day at the spa complete with a happy ending. Everyone was enormously positive, patient and kind. So atypical of hospitals, everyone was in a good mood. I heard nothing but great things about my surgeon and found out that many people who work in the hospital have had the lap band procedure and are doing very well.
The liquid diet is holding it's own. I'm still not perfect but I DID weigh at the hospital and it appears that I have lost 4 pounds. It's a start and it better be a permanent loss.
Internets, if I start to lose focus or regain the weight I lose from this surgery, you have my permission to punch me right in the back of the neck. Seriously.
The urge to eat today is very strong. I feel like the end is SO close now that I could loosen up a bit and splurge. And that? Is exactly why I'm going forward with the surgery. My inner voice should be a high paid attorney or a used car salesman, it could talk a dying man into buying a lifetime subscription to a jelly of the month club. Yes superb idea to wreck my liver and stretch out my stomach 5.5 days before surgery. Actually, I could just go ahead and have a marshmallow wrapped in deep fried chicken fat with a stick of butter rolled in sugar for dessert. Not that I've ever done that, but I'm just sayin'.

Game On!

I'm in! I'm gonna do it. No matter what my success or failure with the liquid diet, I know from my history that I need the band. It's my last chance at the life I've always wanted.
Game On!
Tomorrow I go for my pre-op testing, EKG, blood gas, chest x-ray etc, which makes this whole thing very real.
I haven't mentioned before that I have pretty severe post traumatic stress when it comes to surgery, no need for gory details other than to say that the last time I was under, I threw up on my anesthesiologist's new shoes, lost enough blood to require 4 blood transfusions and got pneumonia. I could really do without a repeat performance this time.
But, no matter what, I'm in. Six days and counting.
Oh, and as for the prior post about my weigh in? Let's forget I ever mentioned that.K?

The Weekend Roundup

I broke my rule for not posting over on the bubble blog about my fasting/weight loss but somethings are just double entry worthy!!
As far as weight loss and fasting go, the weekend was a huge success. I had a fantastic baby spinach and vegetable salad yesterday along with some marinated garlic cloves and that was all the "food" I ate besides the optifast shakes, sugar free jello and chicken broth. I consider that a HUGE success considering that we were at the ball park for fourteen hours and oh the smell of grilled burgers and bbq was mouth watering! Not to mention everyone eating around me.
This afternoon I'm weighing myself. I need to start posting my weight here, or rather weight loss, I'm not sure if I'm ready to share with the entire internet my true current weight :) I'm afraid the blogsphere is just not ready for all of that.
Larry and I are having discussions about canceling our surgeries and just staying on the fast but we're still mulling it over at this point. It just seems SO do-able right now. Historically, I tend to self implode after a few weeks on any kind of diet. I'm taking that into consideration while I'm trying to figure out what to do.
I can't say that I'm craving anything anymore and for that, I am grateful. I could definitely go for another spinach salad though. It's funny to me how when you're not eating much of anything, even a good radish is satisfying.
I'll post tonight on the weight loss.

Over The Hump (I think)

Finally, after day four, I am over the hump, for the most part. I don't feel panicked or resentful or terrified about not eating. It's becoming a habit, I guess.
Last night Larry and I had a conversation that went something like this:

L before bed: Do you need me to get you anything?
Me: Yes, a footlong veggie sub with extra mayo and salt and pepper
L: Oh, I could go for that, want me to run up and get us one?
L: It probably wouldn't hurt if we just did it once
Me: No
L: You sure?
Me: Yes, I'm actually sure.

And I was. Even if he brought it to me, I wouldn't eat it. I'm digging the water weight loss. I can see my ankles and my rings, WOW, they are almost too loose to wear safely. I keep feeling like they're going to fly off.
I feel a budding sense of strength and a kind of high from being able to resist. I think this is what gets people through fasting. I kind of get it now. The hunger doesn't own me anymore.
This morning, the sub doesn't even sound good.
At the risk of sharing too much information with the internet, I have to acknowledge too that everything coming out of me? smells better. Even my breath. So weird.
And, in the interest of rigorous honesty, I must also acknowledge that I did have my little cheats yesterday and probably will continue to have them but after being on the message boards with some of my Doctor's lap band recipients I was comforted by their thoughts on the fast and that they also had their cheat foods. I AM NOT ALONE!!
Things are definitely looking up.
Today I am prepared for a long day of baseball and I am not afraid.

The End Of Day Four

Actually a much better day up to about 4:30. Real hunger set it. I kept busy all day but once things started winding down, I got very hungry. Tried all the tricks, broth, jello, another shake, a big glass of water but I just couldn't shake it. I broke out the carrots, carefully measured out 1 tablespoon of ranch dressing and felt much better afterwards.
Even took Ian to Sonic for a quick bite before Braden's baseball practice and ordered nothing more than a diet Dr. Pepper.
I made myself 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich which is currently sitting on my nightstand, 2/3 uneaten. I feel really good. Very strong. I have a tremendous support system between my friends, my Mom and my boys (including Larry).
I've noticed that my face isn't as puffy and my rings are definitely twirling on my fingers. Can't wait to tally up the loss next Monday!!

Out On The Table

After 3 full days on the liquid diet, I'd give myself a score of 6 out of a possible 10. Perfection seems unobtainable. I haven't had a perfect day, yet. I think my cheat choices have been reasonable and for that, I give myself the 6. Boiled eggs, whole grain bread, organic peanut butter, carrots and fat free ranch dressing.
Possibly the hardest thing I've done in a very long time. The anguish and void left by the absence of food is overwhelming. The temptations and fantasies of eating are tormenting me. Resistance is a mental white knuckle grip.
This weekend may be my biggest challenge yet. A full two days of non stop baseball confronted with people eating snacks, kids eating junk food and being away from my comfort zone, home.
I've prepared for it by buying an insulated bag for my optifast drinks and of course, our cooler will be full of sugar free jello. I actually like the jello and the Popsicles but the nutrisweet is kicking my ass. I'm not a big artificial sweetener user so I'm having wicked headaches and diarrhea. The least of my worries however.
I've noticed a big decline in the need for insulin and my blood sugars are staying pretty close to normal without many bolus doses through the day. A plus for sure.
It has been infinitely easier to keep somewhat focused and determined with Larry doing the fast with me. I'm bowled over by his selflessness in deciding to do this with me, even though he doesn't really have to. When he prepares for his surgery, he'll have to do the two week fast all over again. I'm incredibly lucky to have him on my side.
The boys have been so great too. Asking me how I am, how it's going and understanding why we don't join them at the dinner table. We've always been adamant about eating as a family every night so this is a big change for them. But they get it. And they know it's only temporary.
I plan to use this blog for dumping the shit of the day. A place for being accountable for my success and progress and especially for the bad choices I am bound to make. Here I can write ad nauseum and keep this topic separate from Bubble Writes.
What I wanted today but didn't eat:

Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin
Pizza
Buckeyes
Almonds
Coke
Bacon
Butter
Mayonnaise

I have two more "shakes" to drink before bed which should satisfy me until morning.
Tomorrow is another opportunity to get it right and get my body in pristine condition for the surgery and the months of food restriction and weight loss to follow.
I CAN DO THIS!!!!


Surgery date is now a mere 11 days away. February 26th to be exact.