First Comparison March 2008

Logan and Me, Christmas 2007 and Easter 2008. Down 31.5 pounds.

Lesson Day

I learned something yesterday. I need to learn by experience. I don't seem to take anyone's word for anything. I have to prove it to myself the hard way. The nurses at Dr. Rehnke's office told me what to do but I had to learn it for myself.
I didn't bother to take care of myself yesterday. I didn't drink all my water and I didn't start my day with my tried and true routine. I'm getting lazy. Lazy about my food plan not lazy in general but I'll get to that part in a minute.
I volunteered at Braden's school yesterday and drove my parents into Tampa and both of those events allowed me to forget my water jug, didn't eat right all day and at dinner, I ate entirely too much. I ate good food just too much of it. WAY too much. Nothing happened with the band I just knew it was too much of a good thing. Immediately I recognized the connection between the lack of water, the change in the routine and the over eating. I needed calories and water and my body craved it in the only way it knew how. And I was helpless to ignore it. If I had built my resistance to it through the day, the evening would have been no problem as it has been in the past. I've been on an even keel because I've taken care of myself all day long. So, lesson learned. I have lost 2.5 more pounds.
I was reading an article about lap band and gastric bypass surgery and they mentioned the increase in energy and how it actually is a problem at first. You're not sure how to displace it, burn it off and man that is me! Six months ago, I craved sleep and my bed all the time. I couldn't wait to get home, get in jammies and sleep sleep sleep. When I was out anywhere I would panic if I couldn't find a seat and I'd literally fall into it. My hip was excruciating and I was tired. Yesterday at Braden's school I stood up durin the movie when I could have sat down, I walked around and encouraged the kids during coloring and did high fives when the work was completed, and I suggested we go outside and play a game, we searched for the soccer ball, YEAH! I was going to play soccer with them!! we ened up playing Mother May I and I showed them how to dance like fairies and trot like horses and hop and twirl. SO completely not the person I was 6 months ago. When I got home fro Tampa, I cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the bird's cage and completed about 75% of a closet cleaning project that was long overdue. I've got 2 lawn and leaf bags full of crappy old clothes that I will NEVER wear again and a 5 foot pile of clothes for the consignment shop; some, even have the tags hanging from them. My closet is admittedly bare but I know that as I work my way down from a 30/32, new, smaller, prettier pieces will soon take up residence. All of those empty hangers will have a purpose again. I was up til 12:30 last night and had to force myself to turn lights out and go to sleep. I laid there snuggled up to Larry for what felt like hours before I finally fell asleep. And this morning? I'm not tired!! Before, I could hardly get myself out of bed. I blamed it on the pain killers I take for the hip but I can see now that it was the weight. I feel great this morning and am going grocery shopping minus the dread of it I used to feel. I feel strong and capable. I even let Braden stay home from school. I used to feel drained by the thought of him being here all day but it doesn't bother me now. I have a feeling this summer is going to be a fun and activity filled one with my new lease on life.
Sometimes the profound gratitude for the surgery overwhelms me. I just didn't know how crappy I felt, how tired I really was. I guess I was in denial. My God, 80 more pounds down and I'll be bouncing off the walls!! There'll be no living with me!! A welcomed inconvenience.

Week 3.5

Almost halfway through week three. Everything is going along fine, to sum it up in a word.
Yesterday a friend and I walked the mall and had lunch at Panera. Such a safe place for me to eat. Tomato Basil soup and a bit of chicken salad. PERFECT!
Today I went with Larry to his mandatory attendance at an orientation for the weight loss surgery. There wasn't much new news for him to hear, having gone through it with me, what's there to tell? He got a big heaping dose of experience.
We had lunch after at another great choice for me. Cottage cheese, very smooth lobster bisque soup and shrimp salad. Frankly, since I've upped my water intake to meet the required gallon a day, I'm just not that hungry. So it was more soup than anything else. I had 3 bites of the cottage cheese and the same of the shrimp salad.
During the orientation the speaker made a reference to how getting the band surgery is more like brain surgery in that after you get your band, something shuts off in your brain. I gave this some thought and she's SO right. I realized that I haven't even thought about going to McDonald's for breakfast (something I used to LOVE to do) or binging on anything unhealthy. Last night, I brought home BBQ for the boys, smelled the french fries all the way home and yes, acknowledged the aroma but didn't like the idea of putting that mess in my body. Which THEN lead me to think about what I'm making the boys eat with all this food I'm bringing home instead of preparing for them. If I wouldn't eat it, why should I expect them to? I'm going to be changing that up here shortly. Frankly, I don't feel quite ready to start handling too much food. I feel like I'd be fine after my "brain surgery" but I don't want to push it. I DO want them to start eating healthier. I don't bring home fast food, per say but it's loaded with sodium and plenty of other unhealthy stuff, last night's chopped pork sandwiches weren't too bad but the french fries could have been replaced with baked potatoes easily enough. One step at a time, right?
At the mall yesterday I picked out some cute tops for our away tournament this weekend. My friend suggested trying an 18/20 top on. At my top weight, I was buying 30/32. I wonder if normal weighted people are even aware that clothes go beyond a size 18. Avenue shops carry up to a 30/32. I was opting for this size because the tops are long enough to cover my heinous belly. Which is shrinking little by little. The 18/20 top I was admiring was a baby doll cut so it was generous around with a stretchy bodice. I brought a 20/22 and a 22/24 with us to the dressing room. I ended up with the 18/20!! I cried to be honest. It felt SO good to be a few sizes away from the largest size Lane Bryant makes. For a while, I wasn't even shopping in Lane Bryant because their tops only go to 26/28 and their clothes are more traditionally cut than the ones at Avenue. God, it's so complicated being fat!!! I have also dropped 2 pant sizes!! Not quite an 18/20 yet but I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm getting there!
It's just a daily process. Gastric bypass recipients compared to lap band recipeints typically lose their weight alarmingly fast with a pretty dismal regain percentage. Lap banders lose more slowly but tend to keep the weight off longer. Plus, banders have less side effects than gastric bypass patients. No hair loss, less problematic bowels etc. So, I think I'm sitting pretty.
I also treated myself to some sterling silver jewelry today. Pieces that, like everything else I've bought lately would never have fit me before. Obese as I was, I could rarely find off the rack jewelry that would fit on my wrist, neck or fingers. 2 years ago Larry bought me a beautiful tennis bracelet that I had to return because it was about an inch short for my wrist, or my wrist was about an inch fat for the bracelet! It killed me to return it. Wish now I had kept it. But I never, in a million years thought I'd be where I am today.
In all honesty, during the orientation today, I was so relieved and happy to be on the other side of the surgery. The speaker asked me to contribute a bit on my experience and that felt SO good.
I'm looking forward to my fill (obsessing is more like it) on 4/7. Week 4-6 will be include foods in the soft food catagory! After that? Experimenting with flaky meats and a much more "normal" diet and anticipation of great things to come.

Easter 2008

Easter was smooth sailing! I decided to restrict all food until our 3:00 dinner so that I could enjoy a relatively guilt free dinner with some enjoyable food. And, aside from a low sodium V8 juice (70 calories) around noon, that's exactly what I did. At dinner I had 1 crab cake minus the crusty outside, a few bites of some sashimi tuna, 1/4 cup of cottage cheese and 1/2 a plain baked potato excluding skin. I was even strong enough to resist an offer of a bite of key lime pie (my favorite dessert).
At 8:00 I had a hard boiled egg and now I am having another V8.
I got the usual comments at dinner from extended family members, "I feel guilty eating in front of you!" "Is that ALL you're going to eat?". I hope I got the point across that it would make me feel terrible if I spoiled anyone's dinner by my choice to have this surgery and eat like I'm supposed to. I'd rather my dinner mates eat whatever they want, however much they want and understand that this was *my* choice, I WANT this.
Before I wrote this post, I acknowledged how well things had gone today and how the good feeling of a clean, abstinent day feels. It feels much better than the momentary feeling of satisfaction the food provides as it's going down.
If only I could remember that. If only I could bottle that feeling and open it and feel how good it feels BEFORE I give in and eat something that I know isn't part of my plan.
Last week at my post op appointment my Doctor said I literally could go without ANY food until I reached my goal weight. I'm sorry? WHAT? Could you say that in my good ear because it sounded like you said I could go without food until I weigh 150 pounds. He explained that I have plenty of stored energy (my fat ass for instance) to sustain my life until it runs out and then I should be at whatever weight is right for my body.
So my daily goal is to live by those words. Of course I know I can't go entirely without food but if I can get as close to that goal as possible, imagine the results.
My period still hasn't arrived. Frankly, the unrealistic idea of actually accidentally being pregnant has crossed my mind but more importantly, I want it to come and go so I can stop playing with the scale waiting for the pre period weight gain to stop messing with my head.
I'm one second away from a screw up at all times. I know this. I'm arming myself with as much ammo to fight off the urges successfully. My best friend and I (who also had gastric bypass surgery) are going to start going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Just like AA, OA is a place to find abstinence and sobriety from compulsive eating. I actually met my BFF at an OA meeting, she became my sponsor and has been, for the past 20 years, my biggest supporter. Sure we give each other tough love and call each other on the bull we try and pull to get to eat but we're closer than sisters. I feel that she is part of my heart, part of me. She knows me better than anyone else, even my Mother. There are things she just intuitively understands about food addiction, about my personality and about what drives me to be who I am. We practice rigorous honesty with each other; it sometimes stings but it's what we need to achieve our goals and maintain our sobriety. For us, it's not just a diet. As ball breaking as it is, this 12 step program? It's also equally as rewarding.
Even though I had success today, that doesn't ensure a repeat tomorrow. Every day that I wake up, I have to recommit myself to 24 hours of clean eating. And then, I have to do it all over again. Amen.

Rough Patch

Day 16 was rough friends. You all have been so kind and supportive, cheering me on and sending me kind words. And I've been so, well, so boastful about my achievements. I'm not sure who I feel worse for, me or you. I've let us down. I've had a rough day. Possibly due to my period being a day late; I just love the extended version of PMS. Hell, why not just be a week late so I can wallow in the bloating and food cravings longer. Shark week. I heard that phrase yesterday and thought it was funny.
Anyway, the day started out just fine. I had my 2 week post-op appointment. According to their scale, I've lost 8 pounds since surgery but somehow that doesn't correspond with my scale but whatever, 4 pounds a week is very good according to my Doctor. So, there's that and I made my appointment for my first fill, which is freaking me out. I'm scared of the fill. What if I throw up? What if things get stuck? I'm comfortable with my repertoire of food at the moment, with the exception of the cheating that's been going on today. I'm all over the place with my food and I can't seem to stop my hand to mouth disease. Lunch was actually fine, small cup of chicken soup broth and 1/2 a cup of chicken salad finely diced. But then, all hell broke loose this afternoon and tonight. A maple scone, 2 bites of some cheese bread, too much brie after dinner and even though I had tomato soup for dinner, I had a blood sugar low after Braden's baseball game and used it to my full advantage and justified another bowl of butternut squash soup. Ok, no this wasn't like, a large extra cheese pizza and a hot fudge sundae but this bullshit is exactly how binging starts and "technically" I'm still supposed to be on all liquids, I've just been graduated to all liquids not just the clear ones. With an eating disorder and food addictions, it's not about what you eat, it's about the fact that you're not abstaining and eating for emotional reasons not just to nourish your body. It's all wrong.
I'm not really doing myself any favors. The urge to eat the fucking paint off the walls and everything in between is maddening. I'm obsessing and I'm not exactly sure why. I know it's emotionally based and I really need to sit and figure out what's going on.
I won't lie and say everything is great and I'm doing fine while in reality this rough patch? it feels more like a meadow of stinging nettle.

Balance

I am having a bit of a struggle with my blood sugars right now. I optimistically hoped that my diabetes would just disappear after surgery and with the little I was eating, I prematurely put my pump in the drawer and threw away all of my testing supplies. Yeah, it wasn't like the movie 'Field of Dreams', just because I built the drawer void of all the diabetes supplies, the freedom from the disease didn't come. I could tell by how I felt that my sugar was high.
So, the pump went back on last night. It put me in a bit of dejected mood, giving in and depending on the pump again.
Today I had two blood sugar lows. Out of now where, my sugar dropped to 58 and 61. If you've never had a blood sugar low, it's hard to imagine how it feels. Panic, sweat, shaking, disorientation, no energy. It sucks the life right out. And it forces me to eat to recover normal reading which makes me afraid to get on the scale. See the merry go round I'm on?
In frustration, earlier tonight I took the pump off (again). I guess some tweaking is in order but I'm frustrated and tend to go on overwhelm when too much is happening with my body chemistry all at once.
I ain't healed yet but with time and patience and massive amounts of lost weight I think I might just beat this disease, if I can just find some balance.

Weight Watch '08

Over the last four days I've hopped on and off the scale about 4,623 times waiting for some movement. Anything in the left direction would have been that goddamn validation I'm always starved for.
Three days went by and I became increasingly pissed off. I forgot that it was ok to keep enjoying the weight loss I had already achieved. No, I need loss every day. So for three days I ranted and raved and pouted and crabbed about all the work I'm doing, the very little I'm eating and for what? Nothing?
I saw my dietitian on Thursday and she suggested that my water retention (did I mention that my ankles are denting again? Not as much as before but still more than I'd like) was due to my constant low potassium. Did you know that low potassium makes your body retain water? I didn't. She also said I wasn't eating enough, that my metabolism gets a hint from the lack of food and senses starvation coming on and says, uh, hell to the no, and shuts down completely. She suggested after researching the ADA's recommendation for band recipients, that I start including some low sodium V8 juice (imagine me at this point, crying with joy over the thought of V8 with a twist of lime and vod... er, never mind, I WAS NOT thinking about adding a shot of vodka I swear. She also suggested yogurt. At this point, my taste buds were having an orgasm in my mouth. I also added a potassium supplement and a tums at every meal for calcium.
So, after all of this........ wait for it................wait for it...............................
I'm down four more pounds. It worked and who knew that eating MORE would result in a weight loss? My period is due on the 20th too so this is technically PMS week for me too.
My jeans are really loose on me and I am down a shirt size.
One of the boys on Ian's baseball team told Ian that I looked really good and asked him if I had lost weight. I LOVE those unsolicited comments from people who don't know I've had the surgery. It's one thing for people to comment who know I've had it and are sort of looking for signs of loss but a comment from a 13 year old boy? That absolutely made my day.
So, thank you Nicholas. You are a punkin for saying such nice things about me!!
We went out to dinner after our full day of baseball and I had the broth (yeah yeah, I'm still on the broth) from chicken and dumplings, cottage cheese and some apple sauce. It was a joy to be out, having dinner and feeling good.
Larry and I bought a bowflex machine over the weekend so we're all going to start working out too.
Tomorrow is another long day at the ball field but I'm armed and ready with my slimfast, tomato juice, soft cheese and yogurt. I'm also going to start incorporating some egg salad into my lunches. It's such a great source of protein and easy on the band.

Turns Out, Split Pea Soup Isn't a Clear Liquid!

I got a little adventuresome last night at a salad bar restaurant and got crazy with the soups. I had a little of this and a little of that, chicken noodle broth, southwestern minestrone broth and a wee bit of split pea which I watered down with some French Onion broth.
It didn't work out too well. I was nauseous to hell last night. It never culminated in an unhappy ending but shit was I miserable.
And to top off that sundae of misery, I didn't lose an ounce yesterday. It boggles my mind that for little bit that I'm eating and the plethora of diarrhea I'm having now, I should still be losing.
Today I had 1 special K2O protein water, a bowl of matzo ball soup (just the broth again) and about 1/4 cup cottage cheese. Which again, is definitely not a clear liquid but was tolerated quite well. Dinner was left over wonton broth. If you stabbed me, I am quite positive I would bleed broth.
I'm a flagrant non compliant person. I only have 6 more day of clear liquids and it wouldn't kill me to tough it out. I am actually looking forward to weeks 2-4 with a just liquid diet, blended soup. Real life on the edge.
I want sushi and oysters and with impeccable timing the fair just ended with it's midway full of deep fried oreos and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Deep friend PB&J. Kill me now.
I ordered a book on a suggestion from a new reader about the mental struggle of being banded. Oh, it's 99% mental if you ask me. If I see another fucking Pizza Hut commercial I'm going to go out of my mind. Or, throw a shoe at the TV.
Sucking on a Parmesan and garlic chicken wing is an act of a desperate woman.

I know why I waited so long but I sure wish I hadn't

Loss to date: 25.5 pounds.
I haven't weighed this weight in 4 years. I've contemplated the lap band surgery for a long time but I was told, 4 years ago that I was not a candidate for it because of my scar tissue. So I bought that story and believed it until another Doctor suggested that I ask for a second opinion on that. I'm sure glad I took his advice.
I hate that I waited so long for this but I also know that everything happens at the right time for the right reasons. I just wish the right time would have been before diabetes took such a toll on my health and my family had to suffer through so many bouts with cellulitis and my constant decline in energy and good health. No one should have to suffer like that.
The scale continues to amaze me and every morning when I weigh, I'm sure the scale is broken or unbalanced in some way. I hop off and on and adjust my feet but I can't deny the numbers. The weight cannot be coming off this fast. Every single day I see a loss of at least 3/4 of a pound or more. CRAZY, right?
I've been experimenting with some soup here and there and so far, everything has gone down just fine. I had a little wonton and egg drop soup last night and on Saturday I had some japanese broth. Today I had lunch out (for the first time in a LONG time), just asked the folks at the restaurant to strain the french onion broth, it was perfect.
I really feel like I'm healing well and have all my energy back. Actually, I don't think I've felt this good in a long time, Agnes be damned.

Ankle Strap Shoes

These are the sandals that I could barely strap on with the first hole, now they're loose on the THIRD hole!! YIPPEE!!!

Friday March 7, 2008 Loss

Loss from top weight ever: 19.5 pounds
Loss from starting weight with optifast: 15 pounds
Loss Since Surgery: 4.5 pounds

Feeling a little better today. Fevers are down but low, low energy. Called Rehnke's office and got permission to add optifast back in for nutritional support.
Struggling with low blood sugars, 51 last night @1:30 a.m. sucked down 3 juice boxes and 2 tablespoons of honey. Dr's office suggested just rolling with it until my body settles down and gets used to the new diet. I have to agree but the sugar lows are hard to handle.
I can't lie, I want to eat. I'd love one of my spinach salads or a veggie sub. But unlike the two week fast, I don't have a choice about it now. I can't eat. I physically cannot ingest anything other than the liquids. And I'm struggling not to let that turn on any depression. I sort of feel like I need a vice. Food served that purpose for many years. Now that that has been taken away, what is left? I'm smoking to get through the rough spots and I guess I'll call that ok for right now. No guilt but I know down the road, I'll have to quit that too.
When I'm feeling better, I'm going to post a picture of my ankles. I have some cute strap around the ankle sandals that I used to be able to just barely buckle on the first hole. Now? Today? I buckled them on the FOURTH hole!! The swelling and water weight/fat loss, even in this very early stage, is incredible. My ankles look great. That's got to get me through my food issues.

Let the Shrinking Commence....

Just a quick note to let you know that patient is doing well and is out of surgery! :) More details posted as received.....

Up Close And Personal

Providing I can figure out how, starting tonight I am going to be posting video updates here. I'd love to say that my surgeon will let someone video my surgery but I think that might be pushing it.
I'm going to be documenting my journey, the ups and downs, including the downward slide of the ever loving scale.
Stay tuned.